The Analysis of a Bad Christmas Song

Besides pointing out the obvious fact that I haven't blogged in what seems like eons, it's Christmas time!  Time for friends (if you have them), food (if you can afford it) and family (if your crazy antics haven't already driven them away into either senility or denial of your existence).  Anywho, since the radios and the phonographs have been playing Christmas music since July (at least I'm pretty sure it's been since July), one song has struck me as re-darn-diculous!  That song would be any version of "Do They Know It's Christmastime at All".

While this song was supposed to be for charity or motivational or something like that, it is just foolishness!  Allow me to elaborate by breaking down some of the lyricals for y'all in basic sentence form.

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid.
Just ignore the fact that a fat man in a red suit who watches you all year is going to break in to your house tonight.

At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade.
Unless you use daylight savings time because it's dark at TWO IN THE FREAKING AFTERNOON!

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy.
Because giving some of our crap away would be too much work.

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time.
Not even going to humble this one with a snarky comment.

But say a prayer.  Pray for the other ones.  At Christmas time, it's hard, but when you.
What if I'm atheist?  Should I say a nonprayer for the other ones?

There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dreaded fear.
There's also a tree and a parking lot and a dumpster.  Don't really fear any of those.  Except the tree.  We still aren't on good terms.

Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears.
It's snowing right now.  That's technically water, right?

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.
That's right!  Jesus is coming!  EVERYONE LOOK BUSY!!!

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you!
Yes.  Thank God it's the other lesser fortunate people than just the less fortunate people?  WHO THE HELL WOULD THAT BE?


And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
I bet you all of King Midas' gold that there is snow in Africa somewhere.

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life.
And a Matchbox car.

Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow.
If we ignore the lush rainforests and Lake Victoria and the Nile and the Meditteranean region and the southern region known for it's crops.  In fact, just look at the Sahara.  That's basically all of Africa anyway.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Yes.  Yes they do.  Because even poor people know what freaking day it is.

Usually, whence I am singing this car, I start to laugh at the lyrics.  I mean really?!?  Come on!  At least show a small bit of creativity.

Watch Your Freaking Step into Christmas,
Brian

My Degree Will Mean Nothing!

So, the buzz around the accounting world is that all the rules are going to change because the United States just naturally has to do everything differently from the rest of the world.  They go to the metric system, we like our other system (does it have a name? (I Googled it, it's just United States Customary Units (boring, right?))).  Anyway, so, America has the FASB, and the rest of the world has the IASB.  Allow me to illustrate the comparison between the two.

Rules
If the two were dinosaurs, FASB would be a T-Rex because it's large and boisterous and eats people.  IASB would be a velociraptor because it's small and fast and eats people.  Either way, humanity loses.

Wording
If the two were plays, FASB would be The Crucible.  Sure it's hard to understand, but you get the gist of what they are trying to say and maybe come out a better person because of it.  IASB would be anything written by Shakespeare and not translated by a scholar.  Basically, you recognize some words in it, but the rest is just archaic gibberish.

Fun
If they were both parties, FASB would be a surprise pancake party.  You know, where you host the party, and then invite someone over and yell SURPRIIIIIIIIIIISE and then you eat pancakes.  And you can make all sorts of pancakes.  Any kind you want.  And you can have syrup or butter or mayonnaise, whatever you want really!  IASB would be your distant great uncle's funeral when you were five.  The food was good, the adults were annoying, but you got to play around in the Church beforehand, so it was all good.

Hmm.  I suppose that was more of a differentiation than a comparison.  Well...no point in correcting it now!

Moral of the story, the two are going to converge and become one Super Accounting Body responsible for all us lost souls who still think accounting is fun.  And this convergence (a bit PVC if you ask me) is expected to happen in the next 3-5 years.  Right.  When.  I.  Get.  Done.  With.  School.

And that my friends, is precisely why I'm not going to try anymore.  It doesn't matter.

Post Reference,
Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 5: Profile Pictures

I should be studying but I'm stuck on Facebook.  Then I figured I might as well wrap this series up and start talking about more important things...like cheese sticks.

Anywhy, profile pictures on Facebook can be a curse, a blessing, or some combination of the two (a cussing...a blurse?).  First, how about some things that you shouldn't do:

• Do not do the duck face.  You know what I'm talking about.  If you are a girl in your freshman year of high school and have the duck face while chucking up deuces, do not put it as your pro pic.  Everyone will hate you (which they probably will in three years anyway you big slut).
• Do not put a picture of you wasted.  A.) Good luck getting a job and B.) Good luck getting friends
• Do not put a picture of you and your significant other going at it.  A gentle sign of affection (perhaps a hand touch) is good enough.  I don't want to watch you make out in public and I don't want to see it on my computer
• If you are a white girl, then I would suggest you look up Jenna Marbles on the YouTube and follow all her rules about what white girls shouldn't do.  You're welcome.

Now, some things that you should be able to do:

• Do put a nice photo of yourself enjoying some nature.  No problems there.
• Do put a respectable photo of you making some sort of random face.  I have no problem with it.  It might make me laugh (probably not, but hey, whatevs).
• Do put a picture of your pet, or your child, or your plant or whatever you care for (unless you care for someone else then we get all sorts of HIPAA issues).
• Do put a picture of simply landscape.  That way, people will assume you are just a barn in front of some mountains.
• Do put a picture of you and your friends (especially if you are a loser like me.  People will be surprised when you have friends in your pro pic).

I'm hoping to help people here.  If I see one more damn duck face, I'm going to punch a wall.  Which wouldn't be a good thing since the walls in my apartment are thinner than a urine filled papyrus bladder (which is really, really thin, trust me).  Your pro pic should be something that people want to see.  Make it artistic, make it creative, make it you.  Unless you are a duck faced wench, then either get plastic surgery or go with the landscape/pet theme.

Make Profile Picture,

Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 4: Status

As I said before, I will go in depth about the Facebook Status.  And here I am, going in depth about the Facebook Status.

Now, these stati (or statuses for those who like to speak English goodly) are you shot to Facebook fame.  Either you hit, or you miss with your status.  The first thing people see on your wall is your status and if it's a good one, then everyone will show their enthusiasm with your creative genius by giving you the Glorious Like.  This Like signifies that you are either A.) A comedy god/goddess B.) A sensitive soul with good taste in music or C.) A complete moron.

The status is usually an update about your life.  Maybe it says:


Brian just had a long day and is now relaxing with some hot cocoa by the fireside hearth whilst reading a book about the War of 1812.

From this, people get that you were stressed, enjoy reading historical masterpieces near the hearth and are not allergic to chocolate.  All three things are very useful.  Updating about your life is fine, but when it turns from simple updates to complaining about everything, you are going to have a problem.

Brian had the worst day ever!  I mean, I literally think this day is the worst day in the history of the world!  Jesus probably couldn't even top how sucky this day was!  If this day were a cleaning appliance, it would be a vacuum because it sucked that much.


Nobody cares about your life that much.  Trust me.  I am guilty of doing something like this, and nobody gives a flying frack.

Now, if you don't feel like describing your days, perhaps you are one of those people who puts lyrics as a status.  This is great to!  Especially if the song is popular and everyone likes it!

Juda!  Juda-a-a!  Juda!  Juda-a-a!


Sure people think you are crazy, but they can't get Lady Gaga out of their heads now, can they?  What is NOT acceptable is putting lyrics to a song only two people have heard because there are only two people who have seen the band.  The biggest offenders are those unknown emo/punk bands that people don't care about...at all.

The black lines around my eyes stain the world with their lies.

That's poetic!  What's it from?!?

Oh it's a song.  U probably never heard of them.  They r thu Tropical Lithe Didgeridoos

Nobody cares about the Didgeridoos.  They probably aren't that good anyway.  Now the one thing that tops all other lyrical stati is this one:

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?   I could really use a wish right now!

No.  No we cannot pretend they are shooting stars.  That's ridiculous and goes against all ideas of logic.  I will end you for even thinking that we could pretend that these flying contraptions are flaming balls of rock and metal and gas hurling around the solar system and immeasurable speeds.  I hate you.

If music isn't your thing, just quote a funny line from a movie! You don't even have to have seen the movie to quote it!  Ah, the joys of the internet!

Baxter!  You know I don't speak Spanish!

HA!  You my friend, are a comedy genius and have wonderful taste in movie!

What's on your mind?

Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 3: The Wall

***Just a heads up before reading this, I have found that this post brings about a much greater effect if it is read in either a Julie Andrews voice or a Morgan Freeman voice.  Just saying...***

We live in a world surrounded by four walls at nearly all times.  Some of them are white, some of them are blue, some of them are covered in pictures.  Some even have crap all over them.  I know one of my walls is covered in random mementos from my life (like my umbilical cord (just kidding (but seriously I'm not (no really, I am (so many parenthesises))))).

Now, the wall on your Facebook is just like these walls that surround you every day.  They are white and blue, they might have a wallpaper or some other fun design on them.  And they are generally covered in crap.  Also, you tend to stare at them when you are bored.

The wall is where you post your stati (I believe the proper word for status) and your friend's post their thoughts on you or something else you may have experienced mutually or some other random sort of gibberish.  I'll get to stati later, but right now, I feel there is a certain amount of decorum one must show with wall posts.

First, if you are the recipient of a wall post, the first thing you can do if you do not feel like responding immediately is liking the comment.  This shows the writer that you have interest in their comments, and that you might need some time recollecting your thoughts before responding.  This "like" also shows others who may have the same interest that what is said is worthwhile and will thus, read it.  This will create a lemming effect of liking and thus, give the writer a much needed sense of satisfaction.

Now, the question becomes, do I respond on my wall, or do I write something new on their wall?  If, for instance, you are good friends with the person and you know the conversation will carry through to the other wall without referencing much in the previous post, then it is a safe bet to write something on the other person's wall.  If, however, the person will be confused and possibly explode from said confusion because the conversation no longer makes sense, then it would be best to write on your own wall.

The wall is like the glorious water cooler in the office.  Everyone goes there to tell a good joke, get an update on your life over the past few days and then go back to work.  Therefore, it is best to keep your wall understandable and clean.  A few pictures of memes and other such frivolousness will be permitted.  But you put something about Farmville and you deserve to have your wall left barren, for all to see the shambles your life has fallen to.

In conclusion, the wall is much like your walls at home, and you don't go smearing shit all over them now, do you?

Write Something...
Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 2: Relationships

Ah yes.  Relationships.  We all have them (most of us hate them).  However, until they are on Facebook, they aren't real.  That's right.  The term "Facebook Official" has been around forever (I want to say Jesus used it in one of his parables).  Moral of the story, if it isn't Facebook official, then your relationship is nothing more than a constant booty call.

Now, there are people who are in relationships and are happy.  And then there are those whose relationships seem doomed to fail.  Every.  Other.  Day.  You know who I'm talking about.  The people who are out of a relationship one day, and then back in the same relationship the next.  And this happens constantly.

Of course, you have the one devoted friend who always says "Hey I'm here if you need to talk" or something similar and sympathetic.  You know they don't want to talk.  Odds are, they are just being a big ol' bitch and trying to make the other person in the relationship mad enough to take them back and have some great make-up sex.

To those people, I have one thing to say:  STOP.  If you can't stay in a relationship for more than fifteen minutes on Facebook, then I don't think you two should actually see each other.  Furthermore you would be doing the world a great service by reducing the risk of pregnancy.  You know the old saying, Idiots shouldn't reproduce.  Yeah.  That would be you.

It's Complicated,
Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 1: Friends

If you remember about an arbitrary amount of time ago, I did a small series on bus etiquette.  Well, in this etiquetteless world, I'm back with more essential grains of knowledge...but this time about Facebook!

Everyone these days has a Facebook (except my parents thank GAWD).  My boss has a Facebook.  My best friends have Facebooks.  My grandma even has a Facebook.  So, in this new world of Faces and the various Books that they go into, it's very important to have basic knowledge of who your friends are and will be.

Facebook friends are important.  You need Facebook friends to survive.  You feed off their posts, relishing in their drunken mistakes and their musically questionable lyrical statuses.  But how do you pick your friends?  And when do you limit their privileges?  And when, by God, can you finally delete that dumb ho from high school?  All in due time readers, all in due time.

Types of Facebook Friends
There are many different types of Facebook friends.  Let's run down the list, shall we?

• Best Friends:  these are the Facebook friends that you actually talk to Face-to-Face.  You will add these friends first and visit their pages daily, to make sure they are still alive.  Chats are a common thing and your wall-to-wall conversation leaves you peeing your pants daily.
• College Friends:  These are the friends that you meet at random intervals, but become fast friends with.  Maybe they aren't up their in Best Friend status yet, but they are close and hold a special place on your Face (or on your Book, whichever phrase you like better).
• Friends of Friends:  these are the Facebook friends that you say hi to in passing, but you don't actually care that much about their lives.  Mostly, these are filler friends that you keep around to make you seem more popular.  You will only visit their Facebook if they post something funny...or sad...
• Family:  these are the Facebook friends who have sat in Friend Purgatory for far too long, and keep asking you at family functions why you haven't accepted their friend request.  Do not let these people have full access to your profile.  It will be bad.
• Co-Workers:  If you are like me, and are the youngest person in your office, then you too must be surprised at the number of people who have Facebook.  Well, once again, if you do friend-request your co-workers, limit their viewing privileges.  Trust me.
• High School Acquaintances:  You went to high school with them.  Have you talked to them since?  Nope!  Are their lives train-wrecks that you can't stop looking at?  Yep!
• Do I Know You?:  These are the friends that you might know.  At least you think they are a friend of that one girl you met at that party last week (?).  You keep them around because you feel they know you and would know that you de-friended them.  You can't live with that guilt.

Now that you have all these friends, you feel it might be time to get rid of some of them.  This simple-step process will help you get rid of the unnecessary friends:

1. First person to go is the person who constantly has to update their status with either a cheesy song lyric or an ambiguous statement that makes you want to ask "What's wrong".  Get rid of them now.  Their lives are too complicated for you.
2. Next person to go is the person who is constantly in and out of a relationship.  If you can't stay in a committed relationship, how can I trust you to be my Facebook Friend?
3. High School Friends You Don't Remember:  Axe them.  If they haven't made a good enough impression to be there in your mind, they don't matter.
4. Anyone Who You Can't Remember:  In general, if you don't remember them, get rid of them.  I'm sure they won't mind (unless they are really your cousin...then they might).

By sticking to this information, I'm sure that you and your hundreds and thousands of friends will be happy on the Facebook.  Remember, if you don't know them, don't friend them.  Unless you get a consensus that says otherwise...

Accept Friend Request?
Brian

Everything is Changing!!!!

This past week is my last week of normalcy.  Starting Monday, my life is taking an abrupt change.

First off, my courthouse cohort (ALLITERATION) is leaving me for another position within the courthouse.  Who said she could leave, I don't know, but I am not happy about it.  Who is going to sit in misery with me?!  Not this new person!  Apparently, she's happy.  WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?  Does she not realize she is now a government employee, and she needs to be miserable?!?!

Second off, I have officially left my job at the nursing home (effective Tuesday, October 25th).  While I am sad about it because of my residents and the awesome people I work with (not so much the lame people who work there too), I feel that if I don't resign (quit is a harsh word), I'm never going to and then I'm going to be even farther behind on school work, which is not something that I want.

Third off, I have decided to become more sustainable.  So I'm going to start recycling and doing other stuff that's sustainable and whatnot.  Also, I'm cutting back on how much fast food I eat because, let's face it, that's basically all I eat.  We'll see how well that works out (I'm thinking not well at all).

Also off, once the new year rolls around and Zombies, Run! comes out, then I am going to be in all sorts of shape because I am totally going to run to this app.  (Link Here ---> http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sixtostart/zombies-run-a-running-game-and-audio-adventure-for?ref=video)  It's basically going to be awesome.

Fifth off, I think that's all.  I'm hungry now.  I think I'm gonna get me some McDonald's.  Or T-Bell.  We'll see.

At least I gave it a thought,
Brian

Who Has Time to Protest?

So these "Occupy Wall Street" and "Occupy My Street" and "Occupy Our House in the Middle of the Street" protests have been going on for quite some time (at least two hours).  Personally, I find protesting to be a waste of time.  First of all, you are stuck outside, exposed to all sorts of crazy elements (like fire, and water and the glowing ball in the sky) chanting poorly designed slogans to get people to ask what is wrong?  Seriously?  At least put some effort into it by turning your chants into a song.  Maybe sprinkle some choreography in there.  Throw in a few strobe lights and maybe a set of Lady Gaga-esque outfits and people might start caring about you.

But really, who has time for that?  I barely have time to blog about how big of a waste it actually is.  I am very busy...always.  Maybe, if you would get a job, or at least a hobby since jobs might be hard to come by, you wouldn't have time to sit on a street corner and call out your demands (plus ten points for prostitute reference!).   I literally don't even have time to eat on some days because I'm going from one thing to the next to the next to the next to the next.  And then I pass out from lack of eating and wake up, several hours later, in a daze.  But that's besides the point.

Now yes, I understand that freedom of speech is important and that it is your civilian right to complain about stuff that you think is important, but, as an extreme complainer, I'll let you in on a little secret.  People stop caring.  That's right.  After you keep complaining and nagging away your life, people just do not give a flying frick.  Sure, you can keep right on complaining all you want, but people will just talk about how annoying you are behind your back.  Or in front of your back, depending on how the positioning of their later conversation unfolds.  I suppose they could be on the side of you as well.

In conclusion, GET A JOB OR GET LAID!  For rizzeal.  That is all.  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do something fulfilling with my life.  Right after Facebook.

Occupied,
Brian

Am I Competent? Probably Not.

So, this week I have my annual competency fair!  Which means I go to work for two hours to get asked a bunch of questions about old people and nursing homes and the likes.  I know, sounds exhilarating right?  This is in fact, a new development at the nursing home...probably been around for a few years, unlike our residents. (BAZING!)

However, my plans on passing this so called "test" are looking smaller and smaller.  Primarily because I A.) lack the motivation to try to study it even though we get paid for the two hours that we do study and B.) because I am having trouble remembering my grammar and junk.  Sure, grammar and junk both have nothing to do with this test, but I feel in order to be competent, I need to be well-rounded.

One of my friends (read her blog here http://www.emilyfrancko.blogspot.com/) (SHAMELESS PLUGS) has been chatting with me regularly on the Facebook.  I don't know if it's because I type faster than I think or if it's because I haven't taken an English class since senior year of high school, but I have been EFFING UP MY GRAMMAR LIKE A BOSS (metaphor?)  Examples:

• Your instead of You're
• Their instead of There instead of They're
• Right instead of Write
• Left instead of Right
• Beluga Whale instead of Narwhal
• Waka Waka instead of Eh Eh
• Economics instead of Accounting
• Accounting instead of Polish
• Polish instead of English

So you see?  My life is in shambles all because of my grammar.  And it's all the English Language's Fault.  Polish is so much easier.  No articles.  No confusion about possession.  No anything else that makes English hard.

I got a wee bit carried away here.  I'll wind this up with "I think I want to purposely fail the competency fair just to be called incompetent."

You'res Truly,
Brian

Randomness #2: Keep it Low

Yes, I am inconvenienced once again by the writer's block.  So, this topic was "Is it better to have high expectations or low expectations."  Ha.  If you know me, you already know the answer to this one.  If you don't...here we go:

Low.

That is all.

Think about it.  If you always aim low in life, whenever you do something better, then it's a big happy surprise.  Like, when I purposely fail my tests, but then get a D, that's good!  I thought I was failing, but no!  I'm just below average!  I can live with that!

Furthermore, when you aim low, you are never disappointed.  Especially when you aim as low as possible, like me.  That way, you just sit there and wait for bad stuff to happen.  Like I always say, Plan for the worst.  That way, when it happens, you get to tell everyone else that you were right and they were wrong.  Now, not only do you look like a damn genius, but also too you feel accomplished by putting in the minimal effort.

Bam.  Problem solved.  You can thank me later.

C'Thulu,
Brian.

Randomness #1: I Wanna be a Vet...or a Bus Driver

So I've been all sorts of unmotivated and uncreative these past few weeks and, as such, I have failed to blog.  Now, as you can see that my creative is equivalent to that of a box jellyfish (but just as deadly), I needed some help with something to blog about.  Enter Google.

I basically Googled "Random Topic Generator" and found a random conversation starter website.  This seems adequate, since this blog is basically a one-sided conversation with myself while you simply listen to the garbage I spew out of my mouth and onto the keyboard, through the interwebs and here, onto your computer screen for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, the topic was:  As a child, what did you want to be when you grow up?

I'm going to surprise you all and say that I didn't always want/expect to be an accountant when I grew up.  Originally, I wanted to be a teacher.  That's right.  Now look at me, I'm going to be making $20,000 more and I hate children.  My how the fates are funny.

Besides being a teacher, I've also wanted to be a doctor, a veterinarian, a nurse (because I learned how much school is required for doctors), a king, a bus driver, a semi-truck driver, a storm chaser (like in Twister), a zoologist, an astronaut, an arborist, a Pokemon Master, a professional juggler, a novelist, a novellaist, a cook, a Russian Spy, an American Spy, FBI Agent, Crayon Maker, color namer and a nutritionist.

Now, none of these came true, expect the Pokemon Master.  Totally caught them all.  Morale of the story, I'm just boring enough for the accounting world.  It suits me.  Wonderful.

Also, I'm sick as of five hours ago today (DAMN COLD) and so I gave up halfway through this post.  Whatever.  So.  What did you want to be when you growed up?!?!

Sickly Yours,
Brian

Bored Out of My Mind

I am so bored right now. Like legit, drop on the floor dead because I have nothing better to do.  I already organized all the homework I have to do for the weekend, but I'm not going to do it tonight because that's intensely lame.  Anyway, speaking of school, that makes me feel like I should let you know about my classes.

HOW FUN!

Polish

This class is easily going to be my most favorite class this year.  Not only because I'm going to learn to speak the language of my peoples, but also because it should be relatively easy, and I need some GPA boosters after last year's Honors debacle (I don't even want to get started on this crap).  Anyway, my professor is straight from Poland (when it was behind the Iron Curtain no less!  How Communist!)  Should be fun...we'll see.

Intermediate Accounting 2

Shoot me in the face multiple times from close range with a pump action shotgun.  For rizzeal.  This class is going to rape me and leave me on the side of the road bleeding profusely from my spleen.  Now that you have that lovely picture in your head, this class sucks.  First, my professor is slightly foreign and I can't understand most of the words he says.  Second, we have to do some random Professional Connecting that I really don't want any part of...whatever.  Third, it's the worst.  Every student and professor who hears that I'm in 311 laughs and says that class is terrible.  Thanks.

Honors Seminar

I don't know about this one yet.  This is just the first of my three (yes three) three hour classes that I am enrolled in.  The people are fun (except for one) and intelligent (except for one) and provide good insight to Opportunity Identification and Sustainability Issues (except one).  Lots of work, but I feel it will be worth it in the end....

TAX CLASS

I enjoy this class.  SO MUCH FUN!  And yet, people in there don't understand the concepts and try to question the professor with hypothetical questions that aren't even tax related.  Just shut up and hire an attorney for all of your stupid questions!

Government Accounting

My life wouldn't be complete without another accounting class.  Three is a good number, right?  Anyway, Government and Not-for-Profit is an exciting time.  My adviser is the professor and she is basically awesome.  Probably going to kill me in the long run because it's once a week for three hours, so I will naturally forget everything from the previous week...

So yeah.  That's about it.  Between those 16 credits and 36 hours of work per week, I'm just going to drop dead from exhaustion by the age of 32.  Oh well.

Taxes.

Brian

My Family Should Probably Start Telling Me Stuff

Now that I have moved away, my family apparently deems it unnecessary to tell me when important family functions are happening.  In fact, the only person who keeps me up to date is my sister.  Without her, I wouldn't even know if my family was still alive.

So anyway, this whole not telling me anything started with my parent's 25th Anniversary dinner (congrats to them beeteedubs).  My sister planned this extravagant dinner at an extravagant place with extravagant settings.  Naturally, the children were going to pay for this.  No biggie, I thought, thinking it would just be our family, as I had been previously told.  Nope, the six of us became the 15 of us.  Was not prepared for that one.  Thanks fam.

And again, about a week later (or before, I don't really know), I get a text from my sister on a Saturday asking if I was going to go to the family reunion.  I asked when it was.  She said tomorrow (Sunday).  Umm.  Ok.  Let me just drop everything I had planned because, once again, my family forgot I existed.  Thanks.  So I get out of work at three and hop over to the family reunion.  I complained how I didn't know about it.  Thus, my dad retorts:  I told you about.  I said no, no you did not.  His response:  well the invitation is on the table at home.  You should have read it.

Ugh.  For those who have been to my parent's house, you know the kitchen table is quite literally a FEMA qualified disaster zone.  For those who haven't been there, here's a fairly accurate picture:

Plus, I don't even live there anymore.  Why would I look at the table to find this phantom invitation.

And again, just this last weekend (LABOR DAY) I get a text message out of getting out of work...again (See how I celebrated Labor Day.  I worked).  It's my sister:  You Coming to the Cottage?  Umm.  No.  Once again, haven't been told about anything.  So I have to speed clean my apartment (which I eventually just gave up once I saw the dishes) and then pack some random crap and speed up there while singing to the musical stylings of Nicki Minaj (boom boom boom boom boom boom boom booom boom).  Get up there and my dad swears he told me about this.  No.  No you did not.

I've given up on them basically.  I'll just let myself know when things are happening by bugging their phones.

Sincerely Forgotten,
That One.

Meet Lil' Wayne

Yes dear readers!  It has finally happened!  I have a real live pet!  Granted I had fish before, but they died quickly, probably because they were named after my friends and I put them in a pickle jar because they were too cheap to buy me an actual tank.  Anyway, this was quite the surprise while I was feeding old people at my job.

My coworker told me that she had a surprise for me.  I thought it was going to be food because, let's face it, I love food.  But no.  It was a fish.  That has the lovely name of Lil' Wayne (Rhonda Reginald Optimus Prime).  I'm excited.  It's hyperactive and fun.

Only problem is that I have no idea what to do with it.  Am I supposed to bath it weekly or something, because it's already in water.  Can I just add a little bit of soap or something?  Will that work?  Also, I think I'm overfeeding it...so we'll see.

And I totally got it a boss tank.  With red stones and a light in case it wants to read or something else that requires a decent amount of light.  Maybe I'll just hang a disco ball from the light and let my fish party it up 1970 style.

Disco.
Brian

PS.  The only reason I had this posted in August is because I didn't want the fish to die before I could post it.

And Part Two...

Guess I totally forgot about some intense stuff that I did over summer.  Such as:

• Learn how to rap like Nicki Minaj.  Personally, this is the most important thing I might have learned...EVER!
• I learned how awesome Old Maid actually is, especially when you add southern accents.  How did I hate this game as a child?!?  I may never understand this...
• I learned I can't make plans to exercise.  Ever.
• I just want to work in an office for the rest of my life.
• Weddings are stupid.  Kids are stupid.  I'm going to skip each step by eloping and adopting.
• Someone left the cake out in the rain.

So yeah.  I think that might actually be it.  Thanks to all those who made this summer pretty damn awesome.  To those who didn't, I hate you and I will find you and gut you.

By the time Monday comes around, I will have signed my life away to school for the next four months.  Don't expect numerous amounts of blogs.  Or quality blogs.  Or blogs.  Maybe I'll just log my days on my blog (did you see what I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid ^ there?)

Goodbye Summer Aught-Leven.  It's not you.  It's me.  I'm changing and you're staying the same.  We must part ways.

Yours Forever,

Brian

What I Did on My Summer Vacation by Brian

Well folks, summer is winding down quickly in the state of Michigan.  The leaves are just giving up hope, the sun is setting earlier, school is around the corner and it's getting hotter.  Yup, normal time in Michigan.  Anyway, as summer is winding down and all my friends move away and I have time before my other friends move back, I figured I should compile a compilation of the things I learned over the summer.  Numerous things, bountiful things that make my life better (or slightly worse) because I now know them.

• Halo can provide endless hours of entertainment.  ENDLESS.  HOURS.  TAINMENT.
• Also, I'm basically boss at Halo.
• My car is really quiet when it has a working muffler.
• Having one day off each week does not give me an adequate amount of time to catch up on my sleep.
• Having one day off each week and not actually getting that one day off each week because one day off each week is just too much to handle does not help me catch up on my sleep either.
• Twitter is wonderful.
• Facebook is slowly dying to my twitter.
• I still have no idea what the hell Google + is, so that shouldn't be on this list, but now I'm just saying what's coming into my head and I guess I'm on a technology run right now.
• Being an adult sucks.
• Paying for school sucks.
• Paying for books sucks.
• Vacuums suck.
• I love tapas with a passion.  If you don't know what they are, look them up and then eat them all.
• It's nice to have money and then watch it all go down the drain.
• Working 8:00 to 5:00 makes me very happy.
• Tax garn season is going to be the end of me.
• I don't think I will ever hate a Marvel Super Hero movie.
• When my dad creates a project, it becomes our project.
• The fates do not want me to sleep in.
• I need to quit my other job.
• I now know how to make multiple delicious dishes in quantities of 80 or more, assuming I have to puree half of those.

However, I think the thing I am most proud of is that I learned how to use the word "Finna" properly in a sentence thanks to my friends at the Courthouse.  Some people claim that I use finna too much, but whoever says that is finna get punched in the face.

Well that's finna be all I finna write about.  Finna talk to you later.

Fin.

Stupid Things My Siblings Do

I probably should have thought this post out more, but I didn't feel like it and I haven't posted in awhile.  Plus, I told my sister I would post about how she wasted my time and gas today.

Anyway, I got a call around 7:00 and she was freaking out saying that her car's battery died so I had to go get jumper cables from my mother (who was at work) and then drive across town to jump her car.  Naturally, she started using the guilt trip (which will work 90% of the time on me.  The other 10% are the people I would rather see die than actually help) so I was up and about.  I get to my mother's work and I get a call from my sister, saying that she "sweet talked" somebody into helping her.  Well then.  That was a fun visit to see my mother working.  Thanks for that.

Turns out, my sister basically told my mom that I was going to do this.  So she volunteered me to pick her up and save her life because she left her lights on...This is almost as bad as when she was convinced that she had to change the blinker fluid in her car...That was a good day.

Anyway, I know this is titled siblings with an S implying plurality and duality or truality (which apparently isn't a word).  My brother does a lot of stupid things.  Not even going to bother listing them.  I usually just assume if it doesn't directly affect (or effect, who cares anymore?) me, then I assume it was something stupid that could have been done better.








Thank goodness I'm not writing this on paper!  Look how much empty space I left!!!!

On a side note, I'm listening to a 90's playlist on YouTube and the A*Teens came on.  Ah the 90's.

I've Moved!

This title may be a bit misleading.  I have not moved my blog for all my avid readers (all seven of you).  I have moved myself, physically, into a new location.  That's right folks!  I am now out of my parent's house with my entire family and into my own apartment.  Stupid?  Maybe.  Terrifying?  Possibly.  Juxtaposing?  Absolutely!

During the whole move-in process which took many a fortnight (primarily due to the fact that I work during the day), I realized how much crap I actually have.  I mean, there is a lot of stuff here, and even more still at my parent's house that they aren't forcing me to take.  Let me tell you, I am a pack rat.  And I enjoy every second of it.  Who knows when I will need some of this stuff again?!?

Like what about my Game Boy Color?  Have I outgrown every game made for it?  Probably not.  Do I still need it?  Nope.  Am I keeping it?  Yes.  Am I shocked that it still works?  Definitely.

And then there's all the crap that I have for school.  I think 50% of my crap is school and work related.  25% is devoted to past memories and mementos that I just couldn't part with.  15% is my important stuff, like my computer and lighting fixtures and other necessities that are needed (as necessities often are) in this new technological age.  I think only 10% of my crap is stuff that I use for leisure.  If that.  Maybe only 3% is used for leisure.  The other 7% is lost.

Elevators: They're Plotting Against Me

I know what you are probably thinking right about......NOW!  OH GOD!  ANOTHER WORK STORY!?!?!?!  WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?  Probably because all I do is work and all my good stories come from there.  So you are going to sit back, shut up, and enjoy the ride, or so help me I will turn this blog around right now and take you home WITHOUT GETTING ICE CREAM!.

That's what I thought.  Whoever said I couldn't be a good parent was seriously mistaken.

Anyway...I work in a twelve story building full of middle-aged ladies.  If you think, for one second, that these ladies are going to walk up twelve flights of stairs in unnecessarily high high heels, and gout and other problems (such as twelve flights of stairs) then you are just plain crazy (like most people who come to the courthouse during a full moon).

Usually, whilst I am running files and having to explain to criminals how to get my job (and then silent scoffing at them), the elevators work quite well.  They come to me when I am in a hurry and they go straight to the floor I need.  Recently, however, there has been a turn for the worse (Oregon Trail reference anyone?!?!).

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that the elevators are being straight up bitches.  Allow me to list the reasons (like you actually have a choice):

• They never show up on time.  They are like my grandma.  I just assume they are going to be fifteen to twenty minutes late, so I get work done in the mean time.
• They never go to the floor I want.  I'm the only one of the GD elevator, and they stop at EVERY SINGLE FLOOR in between one and eight.  EVERY DAMN FLOOR!
• Sometimes, when the elevators are in a particularly fun mood, they just stop on a random floor and do nothing.  They just sit there and wait and wait and wait and then go.
• Whenever I'm in a hurry, do you think I get an elevator?  Didn't think so.
• They are all owned by Otis.  Who the fuck is this Otis guy and why does he have a monopoly on all elevators?
• The doors are a death trap.  Seriously, I have seen people get checked into another wall because of these doors.
• People are stupid and decide they have to rush the elevator when it opens, usually running into me and my stacks of files on the verge of spilling.  Then they act like it was my fault all along.  OH HELL NO! You got in my way.  This is my elevator.  You can use the stairs for all I care.  Until I exit, this is my domain bitch!
• The elevators make weird noises that make me think they just won't stop one of these days.  They might not (hope I get Worker's comp...)

So.  Now that I'm all done complaining...WHO WANTS LASAGNA?!?!

Why Yes. I am Terrified of Bees Thank You.

Bees.  What is there to say about them.  They live in honeycombed shaped colonies with millions of look-a-likes that swarm and attack at an instant.  They make delicious honey.  They are black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.  You know what it is.  What you probably don't know, is that I am petrified of them.  So much so, that I've created a false allergy to them so people don't judge me as harshly when I run away from them.

I wasn't always afraid of bees (at least I think I wasn't).  I used to find their presence comforting.  That soft buzz flying through the air.  The fact that they are sexing up the plants.  It's all good.  But when I was five-ish, my life took a turn for the worse.

My family was visiting the Wisconsin Dells which are in Wisconsin I believe.  I think that might be the only real attraction in Wisconsin, unless you like cheese or the Packers.  So, we were visiting family and we stopped at this fun destination.  My father, being the gentle giant he is, decides to take five year old Brian on a hike up the dells (in the dells? Down by the dells?).  We are having a fun time when all of a sudden, there is a buzzing in my ear.  I swat it away, but there's another one.  And another one.  And another one!  Based on my dad's spastic movements, he was either dancing, or under the same annoyance I was.

Unfortunately, we were lead right into the path of a beehive.  We were attacked, NAY, mauled by these atrocities.  I was stung at least two billion times.  After running down the path, away from this vicious onslaught, only then did I realized the damage that these rapist bugs can do.  I then made it my personal goal to eradicate the world of all bees.  Then I found a frog and forgot about that goal.

Yup.  So over the last fifteen years of my life, I have slowly been weening myself away from my fear of bees.  I can tolerate them now.  And stand near them.  Which I feel (and my therapist feels) is progress.  But I won't stand next to spiders.  I fucking hate spiders.

My Car Got Fixed!

Exciting day for me!  My car finally got fixed!  Short story long, over the past few months, my ABS would go off at random times when I was braking and clearly not sliding, or they would randomly go off even when I wasn't braking, which was odd since they are supposed to help you stop but are very ineffective (or uneffective I suppose, I don't know right now, I'm tired and irritable) when you are using the gas pedal and the car thinks that you should try to stop.

I'm going to start a new paragraph, because that last sentence lost me.  Again, my car got fixed.  The ABS no longer go off randomly.  AND I GOT A NEW MUFFLER! My car is like a silent ninja assassin, but secretly disguised as a Bravada. Why doesn't Google Chrome recognize Bravada?  Does it have something against American car companies?  I'm on to you Google Chrome.

So, my car is all better, but my bank account is now sad.  Like, dead and gone sad.  To the point where it will take months to get back.  And by months, I mean a couple nights on my corner.  But seriously, I'm not a prostitute.

...I don't know what a male prostitute is called...

I Need to Stop Eating Before Bed

These past few days, I have been having some crazy-insane dreams. Like, if a movie producer were to look into my subconscious while I was sleeping, he would have a gold mine for two new blockbuster hits. That's how weird they have been.

I don't know if it's because I've been eating too much before bed or too little before bed (I can't really remember to four days ago.  Wouldn't want to anyway.) but these dreams have been entertaining for me. So entertaining, in fact, that I've been writing down the main plot points on the first piece of paper I found in the morning (which is usually a bank statement that says I have no money or some other important document).  Anyway, I feel like a dreamweaver or soothsayer or whoever looks at dreams, would have a field day with my subconscious.

On a lovely side note, I've added a poll on the side of the blog for fun and interesting outlooks into your lives. Also, I plan to use the results to create random statistical information to present to the WHO and win the Nobel Prize in medicine.  Or I'll just forget.  Probably the second one.

On a second, less lovely side note, my morning handwriting looks like I wrote with my left hand, if it were mangled in some machine that flattened all my fingers and left me for dead on the side of the road.

The 23rd Flavor Must be Meth

At my ever decreasingly demanding job, I work in an office with a bunch of women.  So naturally, to keep myself cheerful and awake, I literally have an IV drip of caffeine with me all day.  However, due to budget cuts and my doctor telling me that there was too much caffeine (who knew that existed?) I was forced to resort to number two source of caffeine:  Dr. Pepper.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Dr. Pepper more than I love life itself.  If my blood had to be a soda for me to live off of for the rest of my life, it would be Dr. Pepper.  Dr. Pepper is the Apple to my Pie.  The Communism to my China.  The Ding to my Dong.  The Jack to my Beanstalk.

Clearly, I love Dr. Pepper.  But there is seriously something about it that is so addicting!  I got one of my coworkers addicted too, from my constant enamoring of Dr. Pizzle.  What's not to love though?!?  Twenty three flavors of pure awesomeness?!?

Anyway, with my addiction and my coworkers addiction to the Dr., it is clear that the 23rd flavor must be meth.  Or cocaine.  Or Jesus.  I don't really care because it's delicious!!!!  In fact, I think I'll have another tomorrow!

PS.  10 points for everyone who got the innuendo!  Twenty points for whoever got the outuendo! 

I Now Understand Why I Couldn't Have Pets

Growing up as a child, I often wanted a pet that was more exciting and lasted longer than my sister's suicidal goldfish.  A dog or a cat or a hamster or guinea pig or iguana or llama would have sufficed.  But no matter how much by brother, sister and I begged and pleaded with my parents, they just wouldn't let us have one.  I still hold a small amount of resentment towards them.  Basically, it's enough to take them to a really fancy nursing home when they are older, and then stick them in a cheap one, but that resentment may be gone by then...

However, after years of contemplation and soul searching (and Wendy's.  Lots and lots of Wendy's) I have finally understood why we can't have pets.  It's because we have had pets all along.  Thinking deeply (as I often pretend to do when I zone out), I have figured out that each of my siblings and myself embody a type of house pet.

My Brother:  The Dog
My brother is clearly the house dog.  He is the favorite and gets what he wants by begging at the side of the dining room table.  He enjoys walks and going outside.  He is extremely needy and an attention whore.  He makes a mess out of everything that he touches and what he doesn't make a mess out of, he breaks.  He starts to pant when he gets too excited.  If you leave him alone in the house, odds are he's going to pee on the carpet.  He doesn't follow directions, like any "trained" dog.  He whines non-stop.

Clearly, he is the dog of the family.  Probably a lab...or a collie...or a tool.

My Sister:  The Outdoor Cat
My sister is the outdoor cat of the family.  She is gone for days at a time without any word from her and then she only comes home to eat.  We all just assume that she's going to come back, or is hiding.  She's been around the longest, and just when you think she's gone for good, she's back and happier than ever.  She's moody.  One moment, you can be best friends, and the next she is latched onto your back with her claws digging miles beneath your skin as she hisses at everyone who tries to detach her.

Me:  The Indoor Cat
I am the indoor cat of the family.  Whereas my brother is an attention whore and my sister gets some attention, I would much rather be left alone, curled up in a corner taking a nap.  I am a loner.  I like my space.  However, sometimes I surprise people by being social and jumping on them.  I play nicely with others until I get bored and then want another nap.  I'm really good at hide and seek (like seriously...BOSS).  The outdoors scare me because it's too bright and hot or cold or wet or damp or humid or polleny.  I'm really good at climbing trees.  I use the bathroom in a box in the corner of the laundry room.  I can kill flies in midair.  The usual stuff, you know.

So clearly, my life now makes sense.  MIND EQUALS BLOWN!

I Could Never Be Rich

This past weekend, I briefly got to experience the life of a rich person, and how nice it might be, for someone who isn't me...

So I went to a birthday celebration at the lovely English Inn somewhere in the middle of Michigan...whatever.  Anyway, first off, I can't be rich because everyone must think that I am too poor to be rich.  As I got out of my car to the inn, an old man sitting on a random rock asked me if I was there to work at the wedding!  I said "no my fellow rich man, I am here for a small social gathering up on the terrace with some good chaps."  I thought for sure my cover was blown because of this random old dude.  It's like he could smell the middle class oozing out of my pores.

I eventually find my party, which was difficult to do because everything was so pretty and nice, and we got up to our dining room.  It was TOO FANCY!  There was silverware there with forks and spoons that I didn't even know existed, such as the first course, pre-salad fork!  DUB-TEE-EFF?!?!?  Once that moment of panic is subdued by my slightly less middle class friend, the waiter, or butler, or maître d’ or whatever he was, passed out the menus.  Now menus in middle class places are just pieces of paper...sometimes they are laminated.  These were legit, leatherbound books with high quality parchment and the ink was made out of Unicorn blood or something exquisite.

So we order the five course meal, which makes me excited because I've never had an actual five course meal.  Needless to say, this is when things started to go awry.

First Course
Soup.  A chilled soup made with cucumber and beets that looked like somebody threw up red Popsicles in a glass bowl, and then threw a pine needle on it.  Grossness in a cup.  Also too, it tasted like glass and I wasn't sure if I could eat it since I don't have an appendix.

Second Course
A salad.  With olive tapenade (which I made a point to pronounce Tape-Nade).  And a GIANT ASS DELICIOUS CROUTON WITH GOAT CHEESE SPREAD!  Anyway, I ate the crouton, but left the salad because I don't like balsamic vinegar.

Third Course
The palate cleanser.  A delicious sorbet that made me feel very rich since it was the palate cleanser.  I tried to mention that I was cleansing my palate the entire time I was cleansing my palate, which was being cleansed as I was eating the palate cleanser.

Fourth Course
Chicken.  Nothing spectacular.  Meh.

Fifth Course
Dessert.  Once again.  Nothing spectacular.  Meh.

Which is exactly why I can't be famous!  I don't like five courses!  By number four, I wasn't even hungry!  Give me a #2 combo from Wendy's any day of the week!!

Although, the whole having the money thing would be nice...

Allergies: Because Even Flowers Need to Annoy the Hell Out of Someone

I work hard for a living.  I like what I do and I'm decent at it.  Now, there comes a time in my lines of work where I get annoying people who bother me, such as angry residents, or angry criminals, or confused residents, or confused criminals.  The list goes on and on and on and on. DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Anyway, when I'm not being annoyed by stupid people I am working hard.  However, this past week, a little thing called allergies has been getting in my way and being a real bitch.  If allergies were a girl, I imagine she would butt her way into everyone else's business and try to tell them how to do things they already know how to do.  And that's what she's been doing this entire week with me.

Allergy (we'll call her Ally for short) payed me a visit on Monday, an already busy day.  I get to work and my eyes are watering and I'm congested and I'm sneezing and my mouth itches and I'm miserable.  So I find the resident pill pusher at the courthouse (surprisingly more difficult than one would think at a place of crime), and she gives me some sort of allergy medicine, the drowsy kind.  And then, I am out of it for the entire day.

I don't remember much from that day, just that I couldn't really function well and I was tired and dazed, but my allergies were gone.  I thought I had beat Ally with a thunderpunch to the ovaries.  However, she was back the next day with a kick in the groin.  So I threw a stapler at her and knocked her on the head.  She responded with multiple swings of her Sword of Death, which I parried using my Shield of Disambiguation.  I countered her attacks with a roundhouse kick to the face.

Just when I thought I had won, she split herself in two.  With two Allys coming towards me, I was helpless.  I couldn't defend both!!  Naturally, these two allied Allys beat the bejesus out of me.  And here I am, miserable and alone and tired and congested and writing this blog.

Moral of the story:  Allergies, although severely overrated and a pain in the butt, can beat the crap out of me.

And if you didn't notice, this post's theme was Run-On Sentences!  Yeah well grammar! 

Update!

So...I thought I had something to say that was irrelevant and irreverent, but I totally zoned out.  So, in the meantime, go do something productive, like tweet (trend #troond) or Stumble or GET A JOB YOU HOBO!!!

Ehh.  Until next time,
Apathetically Yours,
Brian

Fire Alarms: Are They Really Necessary?

I got to thinking roughly two minutes ago about the usefulness of fire alarms.  Mostly, this thought came to me as I was having a particularly productive night of homework and the fire alarms in my building went off.  During a FREAKING MONSOON!  So naturally, I have to leave the building in the pouring rain only to risk the threat of death by lightning.

Now don't get me wrong, fire alarms are great and save people, but besides that, what's their point?

I mean, there are always those pull stations and you are always tempted to pull them, even though it's a misdemeanor to do so.  BUT THEY ARE SO TEMPTING!!!!  I just want to pull one!  NOW!

Furthermore, why not make fire alarms with a soothing noise.  I personally would respond much better to a fire alarm blaring Enya instead of a loud obnoxious tone.  And what's with the lights?  Must they be so bright?  Can't we have a marquee or something that says, in basic colors, that there is a fire and it is advised that you leave the building?  So much easier, right?!?

Also too, why do the alarms go off in the entire building when there is only one small section on fire.  I don't care that the entire opposite wing is engulfed in flames, MY SIDE IS NOT!  Leave me alone!

That's about it, except to sum it up with a small story about work.

Here I am at the nursing home, loving life with the State Inspectors.  Three...two...one.  FIRE ALARMS.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, has any idea what to do.  All the staff stand there, looking around for the cause of the fire.

Which is better than the other time when a resident pulled the fire alarm.  Oh well, makes sense, gotta start living at some point, why not at 90?

Bus Etiquette Series 4--NEW BUS

So this post has more to do with the bus rather than the etiquette, but whatever.  My whole inspiration for this bus etiquette series has been because there is a new bus that I get to ride from time to time when it's operating!  This is the most exciting thing that has happened in my life in the past month!!!!

I can't really get a picture of the new bus, but trust me...IT IS AWESOME!

And by awesome, I really mean that it's pretty much the same exact thing, except with a bike rack and new seats.  And that new bus smell.  Nothing beats the new bus smell.

Yup, so there's my inspiration.  New buses.  Awesome!

Bus Etiquette Series 3--SOMEONE SIT BY ME!

Now, basically, the whole point of me starting this bus etiquette series thing was so that I could complain.  As you saw in bus etiquette 1, the seating chart for the bus is basically that every single day of the week.  Needless to say, the bus gets crowded, since there is standing room only.  However, without a fail, there is always an empty seat.  Next to me.  That no one takes...

...

...

AM I REALLY THAT HIDEOUS THAT NO ONE WANTS TO SIT BY ME?!?!?!
I mean really!  Who doesn't want to sit by this:

I am clearly on the right.  But really, I don't actually make that face.

I guess usually I'm so deep in thought about the world's problems and how to fix them that I might have a look of pure hatred on my face, but I'm really nice.  I just don't get it.  Perhaps I have an odor.  Perhaps I'm just so cool, that no one on the bus is able to be compared to my sheer awesomeness.  Whatever.  In the future, if you are on the city bus and see that beautiful blonde skeleton sitting by herself, sit by me instead.

I'M SO LONELY!!!

On a side note, my old English teacher is probably cursing the day we met for me using the word "Really" as an intensifier.  But does that really matter now? 

Bus Etiquette Series 2: Manners

As previously stated, I have ridden the bus multiple times.  As such, I am able to bring you this wonderful list of things you should and should NOT do whilst riding the city busing system.

Please DO:
Make Idle Conversation with the Bus Driver about all sorts of unimportant things like the weather, or stupid people.  Sometimes, she'll give you candy.
Pull the string first.  It's such an empowering feeling to make the bus stop.
Pull the sting even if someone has already asked the driver to stop at your stop.  Claim ignorance.
Make more idle conversation with the same people you see on the bus everyday.
Sort your purse/backpack/pockets.  Let everyone guess what's inside.
Leave an empty seat in between each person, unless you are intimate with them or the bus is full.
Have assigned seats and get extremely upset when a newcomer takes yours.  They should know.
Look up when someone new enters the bus in hopes that you know them.

Please DO NOT:
Get on the bus if you are drunk.  Nobody wants to see you passed out across three seats, suddenly wake up and start screaming to see if the bus has stopped.
Have loud conversation across the bus.  Nobody cares about your grandkids anyway.
Cackle.
Let your phone play its annoying ringtone for five minutes before you pick the stupid thing up!
TALK LIKE THIS!  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU!!!~!!~
talk like this.  no one can hear you
If you are a creepy old man, please don't take pictures of my coworkers on your cellphone.  Not only does it make it awkward that I'm the only one who saw you do it, but it also makes me get uncomfortable images in my head.
Have conversations about things that no one should ever talk about outside of your doctor's office.  I don't care how bad your rash itches.
Eat something grotesque (and possibly still alive) and stink up the whole bus.
Enter the bus if you haven't bathed in over three days.
Listen to your iPod with the music cranked all the way up. The point of headphones is so I don't actually have to hear your crappy music.
If you are the bus driver, don't nearly hit me, act like it's a hassle to pick me up, speed off before I sit down, almost hitting other people even though I asked politely to wait, and then tell me that "It's not your job to wait for people".  You are a damn bus driver!  IT IS YOUR JOB!

Well.  This is just an abbreviated list of things that you should and should not do.  Enjoy.

PS  I have seen all of this whilst riding on the bus.  Now you understand my hate of the world.

Bus Etiquette Series 1: Seating

Over the past two years of working at the delightful courthouse, I have Ridden (Rode?  Rude?  Rided?) the bus COUNTLESS times.  Serious, like...12 times!  Over these years of bus riding (Roding?) I have finally figured out the proper way to act on a bus, no matter who you are!

Let's start with seating, shall we?  This diagram helps explain the seating chart for the bus, once the courthouse employees stumble on.

As you can see, this picture is quite self-explanatory.  This is how it is...ALWAYS!  And yes, I realize that the bus is yellow like a school bus here.  Call me old fashioned if you will.

So, once the seats fill up, people must file into standing room only.  It is with the standing people that we will leave off until next time, when we talk about manners. 

Until Then,

Me.

Where Did I Go?

Well it has certainly been awhile.  While I took a small sabbatical from this blog, I did some soul searching, I took some exams, I got a haircut, I went on Spring Break, I came back from Spring Break, and now I am here. So here is a basic rundown of what has happened in my various professional and private lives:

Accounting Life:

Well, I had an exam, and I totally THUNDER PUNCHED it into the ground.  SUPER EFFECTIVE!  Anyway, that basically made me feel like I can totally do this whole accounting thing.  I just won't have a life for about the next 45 years after college.  Also, my professor decided to up and get pregnant and leave us halfway through the semester.  The nerve of some people!!!

Other Less Important School Life:

Stuff happened.  Probably didn't do as well as the accounting thing.  Whatever.

Spring Break Life:

This is probably the most important part of this post.  I, yes, little old me, went on a real spring break!  GASP!  So, I went to Orange Beach with some friends of the friendly persuasion and we had a blast.  There was Mobile Mardi Gras, Throwed Rolls, New Orleans Mardi Gras, Waffle House, Claw Gras, Beach, Me Being Tanner than Snooki, etc. etc.

Spring Break was basically awesome and a much needed and much welcomed change from the mundane ritual I previously called life.  Thanks to all the cool people who made it so, and to those who hindered spring break...your time is coming.

Basically, that's it.  I didn't work for a week because of spring break and now I'm sort of dying.  But now I'm back to work and the world is at peace again.

Also, tomorrow is Friday, Friday, so I'm going to get down on Friday.

How I Convinced Someone There Was an Alligator in my Basement

Well, I did warn you that this story was coming (Hide and Seek in the basement....recall?) so here it is.

Basically:  One of my brother's friends always wanted to hang out in our basement, but we didn't want to because there wasn't anything fun to do down there anyway.  So, I told him we can't because the alligator lives down there and it will eat you.  Mind you, this was when I was 14 and he was 12, so there was still some childlike naivety there.  In the end, he believed me and didn't go down in the basement....

Wow.  That story sucked.  Let me try again.

ALLIGATOR STORY 2.0


It was a dark, stormy afternoon, and I was home alone with my brother and his friend.  We were bored, of course, due to the lack of being able to go outside into the expansive wilderness near my house.  So, we tried to make up games, but, being young chillens, we didn't like cards or board games.


My brother's friend suggested we do something in the basement, since there was nothing fun to do upstairs.

"The basement?" I said incredulously, "The basement?!?"

"Yeah," He replied, "Let's do something in the basement."

"We don't go in the basement," I said, turning my head dramatically away, "Not since....It happened."

It was a dark and stormy afternoon, much like this fateful day, about four-hundred years ago.  Some European settlers were trying to draw out the native tribes and they were chasing one of the tribe's magical leaders.  When the leader was cornered, in the exact spot that this house was built, he cast a spell.  Suddenly, hundreds of alligators crawled from the earth, attacking the settlers and forcing them to flee the area.  On the way out, one settler shot one last bullet from his musket, striking the magical leader.  He fell to the ground and died.  They say his body transformed into one of the alligators he conjured up, and the gator stayed there, for all eternity...

Even today, the alligator remains in our basement, ready to attack any unsuspecting folks....

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

Now that was an epic story, amirite?

It's Been Awhile World...

Indeed it has.  It's been a bit since I have had some sort of time to blog again.  A lot has happened in the past 10 days and yet, nothing has happened in the past 10 days.  BAM!  Mind = Blown.

So, shortly after writing my post about how much I hate winter, BLIZZARD 2011!!!!!!!!!!11!!!1!!1!!!!!1 occurs and wipes out 95% of all life on earth.  It was a tragic day, but I survived.  My roommates and I tried to create a parachute in order for us to properly enjoy the windy blizzard.  At first, we cut up a bunch of Meijer bags (mostly in hopes of getting some funding), but when that didn't work, we used the next logical choice:  shower curtains.  Needless to say...that didn't work either.  So, there was some minor disappointment, but I got a snow day, so I am happy.

I learned that I do not know how to make icing.  That was a surprise, since it came from a box.  Who knew that I was such a failure at life?!?  Not me.  So anyway, I was Prep Cook at the nursing home (for the first time by myself) and I had to keep reminding people of how important I was and why they should respect me.  The icing incident was really the only thing to go totally wrong...the mashed potatoes were a close second...

I have decided to make some life changing decisions, like giving up pop and eating healthier.  And those lasted about 2 hours.  So, I re-made some life changing decisions to CUTTING DOWN on pop and drinking more water.  I figured, with my schedule, there is no hope for me to eat healthier, so I'm just going to say screw that.

I planned out the next two years of my college life instead of doing actual work.  I am now an Accounting and Business Economics major.  If all goes well, I will be studying abroad in Poland next year.  If not, I will be living as a bum in Poland next year.  One way or another, I'm going to Poland to reclaim my throne as the Polish King.

And then, of course, there is school and work and homework and other crap that doesn't matter but I'm adding to make this list look slightly longer than it actually is because everyone knows that people like to read lists, no matter how long they appear unless they are waaaaaay to long and then we all just say screw it and look at the pictures after the list to make us feel better and act as though we read the list that was way to long to read in the first place.

Also!  I'm on an intramural soccer team....we're horrible.

That's about it.  As you can clearly tell, I live an exciting life...yup.

Why Yes, I do Hate Winter, Thank You Very Much

Apparently, there is some huge storm coming to the area that's going to basically wipe out human existence because of all the snow we are going to get...whatever.  This is just adding to my spite horns.  It's not that I hate all of winter, just most of it.  I guess I could go up to the title bar and rephrase it, but why fix what's already done, right?

So, like I said, I don't hate all of winter.  The first few weeks of snow are pretty awesome.  Especially around Christmas time.  You have to have snow at Christmas time.  It's just the rules.  However, once New Years comes around, winter can go suck a big one.  And this list of hateful things is why:

Unburying Your Car
For the first few major snows, it seems to be passable.  There's snow on my car, that's no problem, let me just swipe that off.  There we go, moving on with my life.  However, there comes to a point when you just break.  My breaking point happened to be at 6:00 in the morning as I was leaving for work.  Walk out to my car, and I see the snow.  Instantly, I'm pissed off.  So I take my snow brush and push the snow on the ground to find: an inch of ice.  Not even joking.  An entire inch!  So now, I have to scrape as well as brush.  The whole time, I am cussing up a storm.  I think I may have made up a few words in the process as well...whatever.

No More Shortcuts
I don't know about you, but if you're like 99.99% of all Americans, you are looking for an easier way to do something.  Travel, for instance, is one of those things.  If I can cut across a lawn on campus, by golly I'm going to do it to save me the extra two minutes the sidewalks had in mind.  In winter, that's not going to happen.  You would have to purchase snow dogs in order to get through anywhere.  So thank you winter, you have wasted 5 minutes of my day because of your nuisance.

Oranges
Not a huge problem, since I'm not too fond of oranges, but apparently, when Florida gets below 65 degrees, the oranges stop being produced and then orange juice prices go up and then people bitch up a storm.

Road Problems
Roads + Winter = Suckfest.  Basically, if you drive too fast, you slide off the road and into a ditch.  If you drive too slow, you get stuck at the bottom of a hill and then slide into a ditch.  If you drive at a safe speed, you still will probably slide off into a ditch.  If you are just sitting in a parking lot, waiting for your car to warm up, odds are you are going to somehow end up in a ditch.  Moral of the story, they don't call them "ditches" for no reason.

Also, potholes.  Now, in Michigan, potholes are a serious problem.  How do they solve the problem while spending as little money as possible?  Make a sport out of it.  The state sport of Michigan is in fact Pothole Dodging.  I am personally an expert.  Sure, I may look like I am heavily intoxicated while I swerve across the road to avoid deathly potholes, but I didn't win the gold medal three years in a row for nothing.

Another thing about road problems is the plows.  They just don't keep up like they used to.  I don't know if it's the economy, or the age of the machinery, or global warming, or C'Thulu, but something is causing the plows to slack off.  Most of the time, when I'm on the roads, there isn't a plow in sight.  Want to know when they come around on campus:  three in the morning.  All I can hear is that annoying SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE across the concrete as the plows "clear" the roads.

Snow Days
Now that I'm in college and have jobs, I don't get snow days anymore.  What's even the point of winter if I can't have a day off from school and work?!?

The Weather People
Ok weather people, we get it.  We're going to get snow.  You do NOT have to interrupt Days of Our Lives to let me know that we are in a WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY!  This is Michigan.  If it didn't snow here, I would be concerned.  I don't care that it's going to snow 1-2" tonight, or that the roads will be treacherous.  If you don't know how to drive in winter in Michigan, you don't deserve to live here.  Now, let's stop blowing everything out of proportion and get on to something more exciting, like other news that can be blown way out of proportion.

Sure, this isn't an exhaustive list, but I'm exhausted.  In the end, I guess this can be all summed up with a BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU WINTER!


And Spring isn't much better either...damn allergies.

I Belong in a Nursing Home

I have come to the conclusion that I should just stay in the nursing home that I work in.  Basically, my days boil down to this:

• Wake up early to go to class.
• Go to class.
• Go to work.
• Come home, eat.
• Look at stack of homework.
• Ignore stack of homework.
• Facebook.  StumbleUpon.
• Open book to begin homework.
• YOUTUBE FOR HOURS!!!!
• Realize that I haven't done the work I need to.
• Struggle through the homework due tomorrow.
• NAP TIME!
• Four hours later, panic because I haven't gotten anything done.
• More Facebook.
• Buckle down.
• And bedtime.

So, I figured, I can eliminate class, work and homework if I go into an old folk's home.  I figured I could schedule my day as such:

• Wake up.  Eat breakfast.
• Nap time.
• YOUTUBE FOR HOURS!!!!
• Lunch.
• Nap time.
• Facebook (because even old people need Facebook)
• BINGO!
• Nap time.
• Dinner.
• Remember the glory days with the other old folks.
• Complain about the young people.
• Bed time.
• Repeat.  Each day.  Every day.  For the rest of my life.

I don't think it's such a bad future.  Personally, I can't wait to get into a nursing home.  (Even though we aren't supposed to call our's a nursing home.  It is an assisted living center with a medical wing.  Whatever.  It's a nursing home).  Frankly, my friends and I already have the whole play old people games thing down.  Blokus is the new bingo.  Just you wait.  You'll have four of us in an assisted living center screaming out Blokus as the nurses pass out our meds.  It's going to be awesome!



THE PERFECT BLOKUS GAME!!!!

Sweet Beluga Whales! It's 2011!!!

Yes my dearies, it is 2011:  a year of new hopes and old hopes, a year of wishes galore (11/11/11 at 11:11:11 is going to be EPIC) and apples galore (which I think was a childhood game I once played).  2011 is a year of war, famine and economic downturn  warm happy thoughts....yeah...that one.

Well, lo and behold, I haven't blooged in awhile, mostly because I've been on vacation.  By vacation, I clearly mean working full-time.  That's my idea of a well spent vacation.  So I've been working and as such, my blogging capabilities have been nearly cut in thrice.  Fortunately, school is back in session and that means I need to procrastinate.  Welcome back to the Blogosphere!!!!!

Basically, this has been my life in the past three weeks:

Work
Work
Work
Reunite with Old Friends
Wait All Night for the Great Pumpkin
Realize that I am Celebrating the Wrong Holiday
Jesus is Here
Jesus is Gone
Feed Old People
Work
Work
Work
Work
Work
Day Off
Apparently, there is a New Year coming...
The New Year is Here
I Can no Longer write the Date Correctly
Work
Work
Mancation
Work
Feed Some More Old People (really the same old people, just doing it again)
Work
Move Back onto Campus
Begin Procrastination by Failing to Print out Syllabi (Syllaboos?) and Forgetting Pens on the First Day of Class

So.  That's what I've been doing...yup...hmm...

I Felt Like I had to Leave You With Something Profound...So here.