I Now Understand Why I Couldn't Have Pets

Growing up as a child, I often wanted a pet that was more exciting and lasted longer than my sister's suicidal goldfish.  A dog or a cat or a hamster or guinea pig or iguana or llama would have sufficed.  But no matter how much by brother, sister and I begged and pleaded with my parents, they just wouldn't let us have one.  I still hold a small amount of resentment towards them.  Basically, it's enough to take them to a really fancy nursing home when they are older, and then stick them in a cheap one, but that resentment may be gone by then...

However, after years of contemplation and soul searching (and Wendy's.  Lots and lots of Wendy's) I have finally understood why we can't have pets.  It's because we have had pets all along.  Thinking deeply (as I often pretend to do when I zone out), I have figured out that each of my siblings and myself embody a type of house pet.

My Brother:  The Dog
My brother is clearly the house dog.  He is the favorite and gets what he wants by begging at the side of the dining room table.  He enjoys walks and going outside.  He is extremely needy and an attention whore.  He makes a mess out of everything that he touches and what he doesn't make a mess out of, he breaks.  He starts to pant when he gets too excited.  If you leave him alone in the house, odds are he's going to pee on the carpet.  He doesn't follow directions, like any "trained" dog.  He whines non-stop.

Clearly, he is the dog of the family.  Probably a lab...or a collie...or a tool.

My Sister:  The Outdoor Cat
My sister is the outdoor cat of the family.  She is gone for days at a time without any word from her and then she only comes home to eat.  We all just assume that she's going to come back, or is hiding.  She's been around the longest, and just when you think she's gone for good, she's back and happier than ever.  She's moody.  One moment, you can be best friends, and the next she is latched onto your back with her claws digging miles beneath your skin as she hisses at everyone who tries to detach her.

Me:  The Indoor Cat
I am the indoor cat of the family.  Whereas my brother is an attention whore and my sister gets some attention, I would much rather be left alone, curled up in a corner taking a nap.  I am a loner.  I like my space.  However, sometimes I surprise people by being social and jumping on them.  I play nicely with others until I get bored and then want another nap.  I'm really good at hide and seek (like seriously...BOSS).  The outdoors scare me because it's too bright and hot or cold or wet or damp or humid or polleny.  I'm really good at climbing trees.  I use the bathroom in a box in the corner of the laundry room.  I can kill flies in midair.  The usual stuff, you know.

So clearly, my life now makes sense.  MIND EQUALS BLOWN!