So...it's kind of December. And not early December either, it's late December. I haven't updated this old thing in quite some time. Probably because I haven't been feeling very creative...at least not HAHA you are HYSTERICAL let's make a sitcom revolving around your life because you are just HILARIOUS! I have been other types of creative.
Like, do you ever have an idea where you are just sitting there, letting your mind wander, and then you snap back and go: "That would make a great book!" Well, that happened to me. So...who knows, maybe I'll start writing these ideas out. Maybe I'll publish a book.
Or maybe I'll take a nap. A nap sounds pretty awesome right now.
Whatever. Hopefully I'll have something more exciting than this to blog about in the near future. Otherwise...this is all you get.
Sorry,
Brian
Friday, December 14, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
I Am an Insect Whisperer
That's right. You've heard of Ghost Whisperers (TV show?) and Dog Whisperers (Another TV Show?) and probably Library Whisperers (Maybe a TV Show?), but probably not an Insect Whisperer. Well, corner closed on that market people! Because I officially have earned that title today.
I suppose it started a few years ago...maybe just one year ago...when I discovered, early one morning, a praying mantis on my windshield. Instead of just running the wiper blades at full blast, I pulled over and pried the thing right off the windshield and set it in some natural habitat of sorts...on the side of the road...there was grass there. Since that day, the insect gods have looked favorably upon me.
And that favor has reached an epitome today, when I befriended my fruit fly friend. (That's a doozy to try to say fast...or drunk...or both). I was sitting in one of my classes, struggling to stay awake as one often does in college, and looked down and there was this fruit fly, just staring back at me. So, instead of actually paying attention in class, this fruit fly and I (I named her Alice) went on a magical journey of undocumented proportions!
Basically, I would pick her up on my pen from one side of my notebook and then take her and put her down on the other side of the notebook. The laughs we shared!!! This went on for the whole hour, we spent many a good time together. Probably the best date I've ever had...
In all seriousness, this is a gross exaggeration. I did meet a fruit fly, I did not name it, and I did play with it all class instead of paying attention. The unfortunate truth is, instead of killing it as people often do with these things, I was too attached to it. I put it on my pen and carried it outside after my class was done and let it run free.
Pathetic? Probably. Good use of my time? Probably not. Unconcerned? Yup.
And now it is time for that nightly slumber,
Because since work,
I wish I could write in iambic pentameter on a whim,
Brian
I suppose it started a few years ago...maybe just one year ago...when I discovered, early one morning, a praying mantis on my windshield. Instead of just running the wiper blades at full blast, I pulled over and pried the thing right off the windshield and set it in some natural habitat of sorts...on the side of the road...there was grass there. Since that day, the insect gods have looked favorably upon me.
And that favor has reached an epitome today, when I befriended my fruit fly friend. (That's a doozy to try to say fast...or drunk...or both). I was sitting in one of my classes, struggling to stay awake as one often does in college, and looked down and there was this fruit fly, just staring back at me. So, instead of actually paying attention in class, this fruit fly and I (I named her Alice) went on a magical journey of undocumented proportions!
Basically, I would pick her up on my pen from one side of my notebook and then take her and put her down on the other side of the notebook. The laughs we shared!!! This went on for the whole hour, we spent many a good time together. Probably the best date I've ever had...
In all seriousness, this is a gross exaggeration. I did meet a fruit fly, I did not name it, and I did play with it all class instead of paying attention. The unfortunate truth is, instead of killing it as people often do with these things, I was too attached to it. I put it on my pen and carried it outside after my class was done and let it run free.
Pathetic? Probably. Good use of my time? Probably not. Unconcerned? Yup.
And now it is time for that nightly slumber,
Because since work,
I wish I could write in iambic pentameter on a whim,
Brian
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I'm Never Getting Married
NEVER!
I work with 30+ women in an office. Until about two weeks ago, I was the only man in the office for at least four months. During my entire four year tenure there has never been more than three men who worked in the office. This being said, I think I now know what happens after the honeymoon phase in the marriage and it is entirely not worth it.
Sure, it must be great to spend the rest of your life with the person you love...but is it really? After working with these women, who are all WONDERFUL, I feel like I've been married for 75 years. I've been nagged, criticized, told things no man should ever have to know, experienced childbirth vicariously through these women, experienced weddings, experienced funerals, experienced buying new houses and selling old houses. I feel like I've raised some of their children myself.
Basically I've learned how needy women are. That being said, should I ever get married, which is becoming less and less likely with my plan for my career and other factors (mostly my increased hate towards the human population), I will need a wife who basically does not need any attention from me other than the occasional "Hey, what's up?"
So...if you are a woman who does not need any attention but still wants to get married so you can have a child to leave your empire to when you die (assuming you don't find the source of immortality first) and you want that child to have a mediocre father figure, but mostly really just want the tax break that comes with being married and also those married friends to have and not be a fifth wheel...Then Hit me up!
On My Own,
Brian
I work with 30+ women in an office. Until about two weeks ago, I was the only man in the office for at least four months. During my entire four year tenure there has never been more than three men who worked in the office. This being said, I think I now know what happens after the honeymoon phase in the marriage and it is entirely not worth it.
Sure, it must be great to spend the rest of your life with the person you love...but is it really? After working with these women, who are all WONDERFUL, I feel like I've been married for 75 years. I've been nagged, criticized, told things no man should ever have to know, experienced childbirth vicariously through these women, experienced weddings, experienced funerals, experienced buying new houses and selling old houses. I feel like I've raised some of their children myself.
Basically I've learned how needy women are. That being said, should I ever get married, which is becoming less and less likely with my plan for my career and other factors (mostly my increased hate towards the human population), I will need a wife who basically does not need any attention from me other than the occasional "Hey, what's up?"
So...if you are a woman who does not need any attention but still wants to get married so you can have a child to leave your empire to when you die (assuming you don't find the source of immortality first) and you want that child to have a mediocre father figure, but mostly really just want the tax break that comes with being married and also those married friends to have and not be a fifth wheel...Then Hit me up!
On My Own,
Brian
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Potentially Intoxicated Blogging
I may or may not be drunk at this point. That's okay. I'm 21. I'm allowed to be drunk. Also, I'm on my own now that my friends (who were completely sober) left me.
Apparently, I thought this was a good idea. But whatever. Some employer will probably look at this and be upset, but that's what happens when things happen.
Currently, I'm listening to Mamie Parris sing "Defying Gravity". I don't know who this Mamie Parris fellow is, but she's good. Here! Listen for a spell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kkw-uDdkWiU
Who doesn't love a bit of Wicked?!?! Right? No one. That's who.
Anyway. I've really got nothing else to say tonight. So...that's about it...just that I feel that I should update this thing once in awhile. Mostly so I don't lose any viewers. Particularly my loyal Russian viewer. I don't know who you are, but I appreciate you looking at these barren pages of confusion and [insert another word here that makes me sound both witty and smart but I'm too tired and other things to think of it].
Well. That's it really. Enjoy your night/day/week/weeks/month of July/other times that you might enjoy.
Sto lat!
Brian
PS. Probably should not have published this tonight, but who cares anymore, right?
Apparently, I thought this was a good idea. But whatever. Some employer will probably look at this and be upset, but that's what happens when things happen.
Currently, I'm listening to Mamie Parris sing "Defying Gravity". I don't know who this Mamie Parris fellow is, but she's good. Here! Listen for a spell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kkw-uDdkWiU
Who doesn't love a bit of Wicked?!?! Right? No one. That's who.
Anyway. I've really got nothing else to say tonight. So...that's about it...just that I feel that I should update this thing once in awhile. Mostly so I don't lose any viewers. Particularly my loyal Russian viewer. I don't know who you are, but I appreciate you looking at these barren pages of confusion and [insert another word here that makes me sound both witty and smart but I'm too tired and other things to think of it].
Well. That's it really. Enjoy your night/day/week/weeks/month of July/other times that you might enjoy.
Sto lat!
Brian
PS. Probably should not have published this tonight, but who cares anymore, right?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I Dreamed a Dream of Zombie Birds
Bonus points if you sang the title out.
But really, I have been having some really cracked out dreams. Maybe it's from the crack I do before I go to bed (just kidding. I don't do crack. EVER. Because Crack is Whack.) or maybe it's from something I eat (that isn't crack. Once again, just reiterating the fact that I do not do crack) but these dreams have been quite strange.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I had a full-fledged Zombie Apocalypse dream. However, humans had already won the war against zombies. Although there were still zombies around. And I was in a coma for two years during the time that zombies ran rampant throughout the world. Also, during that time, there was a giant upheaval in the social class system. Now, rich people control the world and everyone else is basically their slaves. Anyway, I get put into the slave caste because I woke up from a coma (and that made sense). In the end, one of my friends got bitten and we had to take refuge in the house of some rich person (which is coincidentally a dream version of another one of my friend's houses that I have dreamed of before). In the end, my friend turns into a zombie and we have to run from the house because she wanted to attack the rich people for making her life so miserable (or Miserables).
Another dream I had involved bird aliens. They could only be defeated by fire, which I conveniently had in the form of a child's toy that made fire...that had to be plugged into a wall. And I didn't have an extension cord. Confusing? Yes! Adequately described? NO! But it was a good dream nonetheless.
I had another dream last night that I went to work at one in the morning and people were already there rushing around. I was confused since it was one in the morning, but people kept telling me that we were busy and that they had to work no matter what! I was upset because, again, IT WAS ONE IN THE MORNING!!! I woke up from this dream and was excited because I convinced myself that it was one in the morning. It was not. It was seven and my alarm was going off.
Buzz. Kill.
So, hopefully my dreams stop being so weird. Because they are starting to creep me out. On the other hand, I might be able to turn these things into novels and make TENS of dollars as an author. Who knows?!?!
On My Own,
Brian
But really, I have been having some really cracked out dreams. Maybe it's from the crack I do before I go to bed (just kidding. I don't do crack. EVER. Because Crack is Whack.) or maybe it's from something I eat (that isn't crack. Once again, just reiterating the fact that I do not do crack) but these dreams have been quite strange.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I had a full-fledged Zombie Apocalypse dream. However, humans had already won the war against zombies. Although there were still zombies around. And I was in a coma for two years during the time that zombies ran rampant throughout the world. Also, during that time, there was a giant upheaval in the social class system. Now, rich people control the world and everyone else is basically their slaves. Anyway, I get put into the slave caste because I woke up from a coma (and that made sense). In the end, one of my friends got bitten and we had to take refuge in the house of some rich person (which is coincidentally a dream version of another one of my friend's houses that I have dreamed of before). In the end, my friend turns into a zombie and we have to run from the house because she wanted to attack the rich people for making her life so miserable (or Miserables).
Another dream I had involved bird aliens. They could only be defeated by fire, which I conveniently had in the form of a child's toy that made fire...that had to be plugged into a wall. And I didn't have an extension cord. Confusing? Yes! Adequately described? NO! But it was a good dream nonetheless.
I had another dream last night that I went to work at one in the morning and people were already there rushing around. I was confused since it was one in the morning, but people kept telling me that we were busy and that they had to work no matter what! I was upset because, again, IT WAS ONE IN THE MORNING!!! I woke up from this dream and was excited because I convinced myself that it was one in the morning. It was not. It was seven and my alarm was going off.
Buzz. Kill.
So, hopefully my dreams stop being so weird. Because they are starting to creep me out. On the other hand, I might be able to turn these things into novels and make TENS of dollars as an author. Who knows?!?!
On My Own,
Brian
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I'm Too Young to be an Adult
It kind of just hit me the other day. I only have one more year of undergraduate school and then I have to freaking grow up and find a big kid job. I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! CANNOT HANDLE BEING ADULT!!
Once I figured this out, I started to panic like a mother who lost her kid (the one she actually likes) in the grocery store and is stuck with the one that keeps her up all night because they are too young to walk by the cart and thus have to sit in the seat, which is where you usually put the bread but now you can't because there is a baby there and now you have to create a pyramid out of canned fruits and baby foods in order to place the bread safely out of harms way so it doesn't get crushed by your twelve pack of diet coke and the three boxes of Cherrios you had to buy because that's all your infantile kids will eat. THAT NERVOUS.
But really, I don't know what I want to do. Sure, I'm going for accounting, but that's very vague. That's like saying "I'm going to go there." WHERE THE HELL IS THERE?!?! Basically the pickle I'm in. So I started thinking, well, now I'll just go to Graduate school after I get my Bachelor's. That way, I can postpone the decision of where I want to work for the rest of my life. Then I realized I have to take tests and do other stuff that's going to confuse me even worse. Plus, what if the place I want to work at doesn't like people with Master's Degrees because they have to pay them more and thus only hires people who aren't as smart?!? What then?
Then I contemplated dropping out. I've got a job that could pretend to be a full-time job if there is an opening. So I would have the whole job thing done! What next? Buying a house. PFFT! Easy as pie. But then I realized that I wouldn't make a lot of money, so what's the point of doing that.
Then I start worrying even more because my backup isn't good enough to be a back up (even though it totally is) so I decide the only proper thing to do is to crawl under a rock and wait until the world begins to end. At least that way I won't have to worry about a career or a future.
In the end. I'm just going to wing it. This whole blogging about it didn't help at all. It just made me more nervous. I'd say that I'm just not going to care anymore, but I do that now, so it wouldn't change anything.
So...chyeah...that's what's up with my life...
I'm Screwed,
Brian
Once I figured this out, I started to panic like a mother who lost her kid (the one she actually likes) in the grocery store and is stuck with the one that keeps her up all night because they are too young to walk by the cart and thus have to sit in the seat, which is where you usually put the bread but now you can't because there is a baby there and now you have to create a pyramid out of canned fruits and baby foods in order to place the bread safely out of harms way so it doesn't get crushed by your twelve pack of diet coke and the three boxes of Cherrios you had to buy because that's all your infantile kids will eat. THAT NERVOUS.
But really, I don't know what I want to do. Sure, I'm going for accounting, but that's very vague. That's like saying "I'm going to go there." WHERE THE HELL IS THERE?!?! Basically the pickle I'm in. So I started thinking, well, now I'll just go to Graduate school after I get my Bachelor's. That way, I can postpone the decision of where I want to work for the rest of my life. Then I realized I have to take tests and do other stuff that's going to confuse me even worse. Plus, what if the place I want to work at doesn't like people with Master's Degrees because they have to pay them more and thus only hires people who aren't as smart?!? What then?
Then I contemplated dropping out. I've got a job that could pretend to be a full-time job if there is an opening. So I would have the whole job thing done! What next? Buying a house. PFFT! Easy as pie. But then I realized that I wouldn't make a lot of money, so what's the point of doing that.
Then I start worrying even more because my backup isn't good enough to be a back up (even though it totally is) so I decide the only proper thing to do is to crawl under a rock and wait until the world begins to end. At least that way I won't have to worry about a career or a future.
In the end. I'm just going to wing it. This whole blogging about it didn't help at all. It just made me more nervous. I'd say that I'm just not going to care anymore, but I do that now, so it wouldn't change anything.
So...chyeah...that's what's up with my life...
I'm Screwed,
Brian
Monday, April 9, 2012
My Parents Read My Blog...
Apparently, my parents read my blog. Which I think is just FANTASTIC! Thank goodness they can keep up with my entire life (since we all know I don't talk to them). Well, I have just finished all my homework for this week and have started my homework for next week! My exams should go swimmingly! Such a great day!!!
Ok. I'm pretty sure my parents do not know how to scroll on a computer, so this should be enough space. Anywho, it was Easter time recently and now I have more candy than I know what to do with. Also, Easter soup, which I'm not sure if I should continue eating...whatevs.
Anyway, I assumed I had more important things to talk about, but not really. I keep forgetting to write blogs and everything since my internet SUCKS! It was out for five days and now it takes a small village, three dodos, a golden egg from Wonka's geese, and a Haitian Voodoo ritual to get my stupid computer connected to anything besides my fist, which repeatedly strikes the screen.
More posts had best be following. Especially because my life is too boring to not have anything to blog about. Time to start living.
Naptime,
Brian
Ok. I'm pretty sure my parents do not know how to scroll on a computer, so this should be enough space. Anywho, it was Easter time recently and now I have more candy than I know what to do with. Also, Easter soup, which I'm not sure if I should continue eating...whatevs.
Anyway, I assumed I had more important things to talk about, but not really. I keep forgetting to write blogs and everything since my internet SUCKS! It was out for five days and now it takes a small village, three dodos, a golden egg from Wonka's geese, and a Haitian Voodoo ritual to get my stupid computer connected to anything besides my fist, which repeatedly strikes the screen.
More posts had best be following. Especially because my life is too boring to not have anything to blog about. Time to start living.
Naptime,
Brian
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I'm Never Productive
It's both a curse and a blessing. Every time I try to be productive, it fails. Sure, I enjoy my time not being productive, until I remember all the crap that I have to get done...then it kind of sucks. Like now! I'm supposed to be working on a project due tomorrow while simultaneously (spelled that right on the first try!) studying for three exams this week in addition to doing my homework for my other classes and cleaning my apartment. I usually reach a point where I'm so overwhelmed I don't feel like doing anything. And that's what is happening now.
I figured, if I wrote out my emotions about my laziness, I would be less lazy, but it's not working. So I'll just keep going. But really, I will have so much to do that I will have to make a to do list and then that list becomes so long, I become so overwhelmed that I decide it would be better not to do any of it and play me some Halo (which absorbed my entire life yesterday).
And again, here I am, pretending to be productive by writing this...
That's basically it. I've lost all motivation for doing anything lately, so that's fun. Probably because it's so nice out. It's literally summer time and it's still technically winter. But this is Michigan, so we will probably get snow during the entire month of June, which would be fitting since that's my birthday month. Why not ruin a good thing, right?
Well...I have to change this song on my Spotify. So...got to go...
Es Todo,
Brian
I figured, if I wrote out my emotions about my laziness, I would be less lazy, but it's not working. So I'll just keep going. But really, I will have so much to do that I will have to make a to do list and then that list becomes so long, I become so overwhelmed that I decide it would be better not to do any of it and play me some Halo (which absorbed my entire life yesterday).
And again, here I am, pretending to be productive by writing this...
That's basically it. I've lost all motivation for doing anything lately, so that's fun. Probably because it's so nice out. It's literally summer time and it's still technically winter. But this is Michigan, so we will probably get snow during the entire month of June, which would be fitting since that's my birthday month. Why not ruin a good thing, right?
Well...I have to change this song on my Spotify. So...got to go...
Es Todo,
Brian
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Irrational Fear #5: Basically Everything Else
Since irrational fear month is now coming to a close, I'm basically going to clump the rest of my irrational fears that weren't interesting enough to be their own post into this post. How fun!
- Change
- Change sucks. I hate it. Who knows how it is going to work out? I don't. Which lead us to..
- Fear of the Unknown
- If I can't figure it out, I don't like it. That's probably why I hate physics...and change...and space...
- Heights
- I suppose this is more of a rational fear than some of the other ones, but heights still terrify me regardless. Although I do want to go skydiving one of these days. I might bring a spider so that I can defeat more than one fear while I'm doing this.
- Crowds
- I don't like people to begin with. Now throw a whole bunch of them in a small room with barely space to squeeze through and my constant expectation that the zombiepocalypse will begin any minute and we've got an irrational fear.
- Cars Braking in Front of Me
- When I see cars braking, I will always give an unnecessary distance because I have a feeling that they are either going to slam on their brakes or the person behind me will slam into me. Both are unfavorable.
- Cars Following Me
- Whenever I see a car take the same exact turns as I do for more than three turns, I am not going to be okay with that. They are probably spies sent by some unknown government agency to kill me for something that I said...or will say.
- Electricity
- I always feel like I'm going to end up shocking myself whenever I plug something in.
- My Computer Dying
- Let's face it. The Acer isn't a baby anymore. She's put a few years on her now. She's been running a bit slower and one of these days (probably before something important) she's going to conk out and I will be stuck scrambling to regain my data because God forbid I back any of my crap up!
- People
- People are scary. Let's face it, they just are.
Asthmatically Yours,
Brian
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Irrational Fear #4: My Life is a Coma
This has been a deep down fear of mine for quite some time (since practically the beginning of the universe). I don't know why, but whenever I'm having too much fun or having a great week or something, I begin to think that something will go wrong, which brings this fear back up.
Anyway, the fear is that my life is actually a dream that I'm having. I am actually in a coma and have been for the past three hundred years since I've immigrated from the Black Forest of Germany. The people and the places and all that jazz exist in real life, but I'm going to wake up soon and nobody will know who I am. I won't have the job I have now, I won't have the friends I have now. Yet, I still would remember everything that happened, which means I would be a Grade A creep.
But really, wouldn't that suck? Just wake up one morning and Oh Hey! Your entire life is actually a lie! Sucks to be you! Good luck making friends of the friends you used to think you have but really were just subconscious friends and they are still real friends with each other but you have to start your friendship all over so no laughing at any of the random inside jokes your soon-to-be friends tell.
I know somewhere in my brain that this probably couldn't happen, yet there is still that feeling that it might and that is what is keeping this irrational fear irrationally terrifying. Anyway, it confuses me to think about it too much because it's sort of like messing with time travel. Especially with the past. I exist in the future, but I'm changing the past that will change the future that will hopefully cause me to not have to go to the past in the first place, but I'm already in the past to change the future so that I don't have to go to the past like I currently am.
Physics is dumb.
Anyway, I thought I could explain this in much more detail and a longer structure, but I'm sort of tired and feel I've done well enough explaining my fear, so that objective is accomplished.
So...yeah...what's new in my life you ask? Well...
I've decided that I need a new challenge, so I'm doing P90X (terrible thing, I know, but don't worry, I probably won't die). Also too, to aid with this challenge, I've decided that it would be a good time to start playing the whole Halo series, but backwards! AH! Now I've got some craziness into my life! I'll try to keep it in check.
Do Widzenia,
Brian
Anyway, the fear is that my life is actually a dream that I'm having. I am actually in a coma and have been for the past three hundred years since I've immigrated from the Black Forest of Germany. The people and the places and all that jazz exist in real life, but I'm going to wake up soon and nobody will know who I am. I won't have the job I have now, I won't have the friends I have now. Yet, I still would remember everything that happened, which means I would be a Grade A creep.
But really, wouldn't that suck? Just wake up one morning and Oh Hey! Your entire life is actually a lie! Sucks to be you! Good luck making friends of the friends you used to think you have but really were just subconscious friends and they are still real friends with each other but you have to start your friendship all over so no laughing at any of the random inside jokes your soon-to-be friends tell.
I know somewhere in my brain that this probably couldn't happen, yet there is still that feeling that it might and that is what is keeping this irrational fear irrationally terrifying. Anyway, it confuses me to think about it too much because it's sort of like messing with time travel. Especially with the past. I exist in the future, but I'm changing the past that will change the future that will hopefully cause me to not have to go to the past in the first place, but I'm already in the past to change the future so that I don't have to go to the past like I currently am.
Physics is dumb.
Anyway, I thought I could explain this in much more detail and a longer structure, but I'm sort of tired and feel I've done well enough explaining my fear, so that objective is accomplished.
So...yeah...what's new in my life you ask? Well...
I've decided that I need a new challenge, so I'm doing P90X (terrible thing, I know, but don't worry, I probably won't die). Also too, to aid with this challenge, I've decided that it would be a good time to start playing the whole Halo series, but backwards! AH! Now I've got some craziness into my life! I'll try to keep it in check.
Do Widzenia,
Brian
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Irrational Fear #3: Judgment
I don't have a fear of doling out judgment (I work for the judicial system for crying out loud). I have a fear of constantly being judged for whatever I do. I don't know why, I don't know how, but no matter what I do, I feel like someone, somewhere, is judging me.
Now I should probably see a therapist for this (and many more personality flaws) but I'm too broke and busy and short-attention-spanned to do that. So I'm just going to write out my feelings and hope someone, somewhere, who happens to be a therapist either comments or thinks I so desperately need help that they'll just show up on my doorstep and demand to help me for free (fingers crossed).
For Example, I don't like the following things:
Side note, turns out there is no real fear of being judged. It's just called Social Anxiety Disorder. Which fits well with my Middle Child Syndrome and Hypochondriac nature and my Colon Polyps (diagnosed by WebMD). Awesome.
STOP JUDGING ME!
Hugs and Kisses,
Brian [Saint]
Now I should probably see a therapist for this (and many more personality flaws) but I'm too broke and busy and short-attention-spanned to do that. So I'm just going to write out my feelings and hope someone, somewhere, who happens to be a therapist either comments or thinks I so desperately need help that they'll just show up on my doorstep and demand to help me for free (fingers crossed).
For Example, I don't like the following things:
- Exercising in a public place, like a gym. I feel like the "regulars" are looking at me weird because I'm probably on someone's machine even though it's not technically theirs. Or, since I'm so physically incapable of performing any exercise properly (too lanky and too weak), they are judging my technique. You don't know me grandma! Keep walking!
- Shopping at the store. It's like people know, no matter what I buy, that I can't cook any of the things I buy. I don't know if you do this, but I always check out other people's carts because I'm pretty sure that's what they are doing to me.
- Clothes shopping. It's awkward, especially when you have to go into the dressing room (especially in a Meijer's or something where you have to call the person). They are going to judge what I picked out and laugh about it once I'm out of sight.
- Using public restrooms. I don't think other dudes are going to judge the way I pee...but they might.
- First day of class. I don't know any of these people and I'm pretty sure everyone else is friend's with each other. What the hell?
- In addition to this, when the professor says that we have to pick groups, I instantly get a sense of dread, then wait until there is an incomplete group and join them because I don't have friends.
- Doing anything that makes me remotely an adult. Like paying rent. Or getting my car fixed. I know for a fact that these people judging me think I'm 12 and shouldn't be living on my own.
Side note, turns out there is no real fear of being judged. It's just called Social Anxiety Disorder. Which fits well with my Middle Child Syndrome and Hypochondriac nature and my Colon Polyps (diagnosed by WebMD). Awesome.
STOP JUDGING ME!
Hugs and Kisses,
Brian [Saint]
Friday, February 3, 2012
Irrational Fear #2: Clowns
Warning: CLOWNS ARE TERRIFYING AND FULL OF EVIL! IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE ARE APPROACHED BY ONE, PROMPTLY SCREAM AND RUN AWAY.
I don't care who you are. Clowns are scary as frick. It's not their fault that they have no real skills besides scaring the crap out of small children, but do not come near me with your balloon animals made from human skin (probably) and your horns that spray chloroform (probably) in order for you to take me back to your evil clown lair in order to harvest my organs for your face paints (probably) and then use my skin for more balloon animals (probably) just so you can knock out other kids with chloroform-horns (probably) and take them back to your evil lair to begin the harvesting process all over again.
Don't get me wrong. Not every clown is evil (maybe?), but it doesn't stop the fact that they are terrifying. Not as terrifying as spiders, mind you, but they are still creepy.
Tell me that isn't terrifying!!! Do you see a soul in those eyes? No! Because it doesn't exist! I bet at night that "friendly" image of a clown turns into something more like this:
Sure, it might look harmless enough (sarcasm abounds!). Ten bucks he is harvesting that person's organs for face paint. TEN BUCKS!
Based on this assumption, the graph that explains my erratic behavior when clowns are near can be safely assumed by this beautiful graph:
I don't care who you are. Clowns are scary as frick. It's not their fault that they have no real skills besides scaring the crap out of small children, but do not come near me with your balloon animals made from human skin (probably) and your horns that spray chloroform (probably) in order for you to take me back to your evil clown lair in order to harvest my organs for your face paints (probably) and then use my skin for more balloon animals (probably) just so you can knock out other kids with chloroform-horns (probably) and take them back to your evil lair to begin the harvesting process all over again.
Don't get me wrong. Not every clown is evil (maybe?), but it doesn't stop the fact that they are terrifying. Not as terrifying as spiders, mind you, but they are still creepy.
Photo from MSNBC.com
Tell me that isn't terrifying!!! Do you see a soul in those eyes? No! Because it doesn't exist! I bet at night that "friendly" image of a clown turns into something more like this:
Based on this assumption, the graph that explains my erratic behavior when clowns are near can be safely assumed by this beautiful graph:
Clearly, if a clown gets within about five hundred feet of me, I am going to start freaking the freak out. Any closer, and I'm going to go on a rampage. Maybe I'll hurt the clowns. Maybe, I'll hurt people around me when I start throwing chairs. Who can say for sure?
I'm Not Crazy,
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Irrational Fear #1: Spiders
It's February! It's Black History Month! It's also (on my blog at least), Irrational Fear Month! (Please note, I'm not afraid that it's Black History Month, I just needed a good month to put my irrational fears in, and February just happened to be the shortest month of the year, so that's why I chose that one. Also, when I was planning my blog out, for the next few months (YES! I plan!) I wanted to do irrational fears, so here we go).
Anyway, Spiders. Terrifying, yes. Deadly, Yes. Cute and cuddly, No. Spiders are terrifying. They eat their mates and they lay eggs and they poop out their homes!!! What's more terrifying than that?!?
But really, on a serious note, I am terrified of spiders. My enemies must be reading this and smirking to themselves maniacally because they think they have found out how to defeat me. They are, in fact, my kryptonite. However, odds are, I have already told all my enemies that I am terrified of spiders because I feel we should all be able to state our fears out loud to each other and not have them used against us.
I have no idea when I started being afraid of spiders, but the fact is, I am terrified of them (as I may or may not have previously stated). Don't get me wrong, I can (probably) squish spiders if they are small and seemingly harmless, but there is a certain limit to me killing spiders.
As you can see, I have my limits. I'm not completely helpless when there is a spider, so long as it is either on the floor or below knee level. Anything else, I'm going to need some help. To add to my fear, I don't like killing spiders either because I always feel bad once they are squished and flushed (the only true way to kill a spider, it's their silver bullet). But there is no way in hell that I'm actually going to pick the spider up and take it outside. So it has to die. Or be out of sight...
After all, out of sight out of mind, right? That's why it works when there is a spider on the counter, so I just push the toaster into the corner, dragging the spider with it. I just won't eat toast for the next few months.
And my fear of spiders wasn't helped by the giant spider that was found at my Aunt and Uncle's cottage. It was HUGE! And carrying its egg sac! And spraying it with an inch-layer of spider killing foam didn't do anything. This spider was probably the largest spider I have ever freaking seen! It was probably the AirBus of spiders or something. That's how big it was.
All this talk about spiders is making me itchy now...
I Hope It's Eczema,
Brian
Anyway, Spiders. Terrifying, yes. Deadly, Yes. Cute and cuddly, No. Spiders are terrifying. They eat their mates and they lay eggs and they poop out their homes!!! What's more terrifying than that?!?
But really, on a serious note, I am terrified of spiders. My enemies must be reading this and smirking to themselves maniacally because they think they have found out how to defeat me. They are, in fact, my kryptonite. However, odds are, I have already told all my enemies that I am terrified of spiders because I feel we should all be able to state our fears out loud to each other and not have them used against us.
I have no idea when I started being afraid of spiders, but the fact is, I am terrified of them (as I may or may not have previously stated). Don't get me wrong, I can (probably) squish spiders if they are small and seemingly harmless, but there is a certain limit to me killing spiders.
After all, out of sight out of mind, right? That's why it works when there is a spider on the counter, so I just push the toaster into the corner, dragging the spider with it. I just won't eat toast for the next few months.
And my fear of spiders wasn't helped by the giant spider that was found at my Aunt and Uncle's cottage. It was HUGE! And carrying its egg sac! And spraying it with an inch-layer of spider killing foam didn't do anything. This spider was probably the largest spider I have ever freaking seen! It was probably the AirBus of spiders or something. That's how big it was.
All this talk about spiders is making me itchy now...
I Hope It's Eczema,
Brian
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Remember Facebook Notes?
They weren't just for annoying girls to post entire songs in a note, label it something depressing and then have people comment on it about how much they loved them and if they need anything they can talk. They don't want to talk. They want to be passive aggressive so that somebody pays attention to them. (PS, my goal was always to find those notes and write "I Love this song!" in the comments).
Anywho, one Facebook note that I enjoyed was the whole, put your iPod on shuffle and the song that comes up is about your life. So I'm going to do that one now, mostly because my musical knowledge has expanded beyond that of the Top 40 that made up my last note...which is, unfortunately (ha!) lost in the great Facebook void (along with my dignity).
So...herr we go...I suppose. Just so you know, I'm going to cheat and change either the title or the song if I don't feel it's good enough...but pretend you don't know that...Then, I'm going to give my analysis of how this paints the picture of my personality/music preferences.
Anywho, one Facebook note that I enjoyed was the whole, put your iPod on shuffle and the song that comes up is about your life. So I'm going to do that one now, mostly because my musical knowledge has expanded beyond that of the Top 40 that made up my last note...which is, unfortunately (ha!) lost in the great Facebook void (along with my dignity).
So...herr we go...I suppose. Just so you know, I'm going to cheat and change either the title or the song if I don't feel it's good enough...but pretend you don't know that...Then, I'm going to give my analysis of how this paints the picture of my personality/music preferences.
My friends see me as: Judas.
Apparently, I'm either the historical figure, or the guy in Lady Gaga's video, who, coincidentally enough is the guy who plays Darryl on The Walking Dead so my friends think that I would be an asset in the zombiepocalypse. Which is true.
My make-out song is: Can't Help Falling in Love with You.
Either the Elvis or the A*Teens version. I don't care. How appropriate?!
My day will be like: Allegretto.
This violin music will apparently, mean my day is going to start of slow and repetitive until it bursts into excitement and chaos, until I reach a breaking point/meltdown and collapse, only to come back slightly normal. Which is how everyday works for me.
I’ll have a good day if I can just hear: a Spotify Commercial.
Damn them and damn their commercials. I don't care about how awesome Spotify Premium is and your vocal inflection pisses me off.
Next time I’m in front of a crowd, I’ll say: Mr. Saxobeat.
Hopefully, there will be a Mr. Saxobeat in the crowd, otherwise I will have to try for the next crowd.
My message to the world has always been: Set Fire to the Rain.
Apocalypse has always been a hobby of mine, so this clearly makes sense. (I'm beginning to think that randomness isn't random at all and that my life is clearly planned out by this note.)
Somewhere in my wedding vows, I will include: Jai Ho!
A.) This is actually legit...if I'm marrying an Indian woman. B.) This explains how this song got stuck in my head this week.
My best friend is like: Super Bass.
And by that, I clearly mean Nikki Minaj. But really.
My alter-ego is: Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)
Either African or Spanish...or Shakira. I'm hoping for Shakira.
Right now, I feel: Fuego.
Which proves that Shakira is my alter-ego!
My innermost desire is: Victory
I do love me some Bond...and winning.
What makes me happy is: The Edge of Glory.
And pushing idiots right off the edge of glory. Sometimes I fall off, and that is never a good thing...
My birth was like: Bad Romance
HA! It's true! My sister told my mom to put me back. Barely two years later, my parents forced me into the position of middle child and thus, my middle child syndrome began. And by syndrome, I mean my parents forgot I existed...until I moved out. Joke's on them!
My theme song: Forget You/Since You Been Gone
Of course it's by Pentatonix. Love me some Pentatonix. Also, I forget people because, odds are, I hate them.
My deepest secret is: Rolling in the Deep.
Along with three bodies, my New Year's Resolutions, my missing socks from the dryer and my dignity...or my soul. I forget which one I put down there...
If I reached the top of Mount Everest, what I would scream: Defying Gravity.
And then promptly jump/die from exhaustion.
My favorite thing to do is: Never Gonna Leave this Bed.
If I didn't have to, I wouldn't. Trust me. Getting up in the morning is always the struggle bus. Whenever I collapse face first on my bed, it's a pain to try to get back up. If only I had one of those beds on the back of a truck like they do in the music video, my life would be set! Like, a pope-mobile bed!
The story of my life is: I Gotta Feeling.
That my life sucks.
At my funeral they’ll play: Domino.
I would like to point out, that this is merely a preemptive question. Odds are, I'm going to figure out immortality before then, so World, looks like you're stuck with me. But just in case...
When I’m drunk I say: I'd Do Anything for Love
It's funny, because I can't love!
Behind my back, my friends think I’m: Better In Time
Apparently, I'm no good in small doses. I'm like a fine aged wine...or cheese...
If I got lost on a desert island, I would yell: Meet Me Halfway!
To the boat! I don't like swimming and there are sharks! Also, do you think you could warm up the hot tub on your yacht? I'm kind of cold. PS, can I sleep in the dingy? Just in case the boat sinks, I don't want to be stranded on another desert island. Also, do you have anything else to eat besides shrimp and caviar?
When I’m in the shower, I sing: Making Good.
And also making clean.
My love of life was inspired by the song: Upside Down.
I don't know how to interpretate this one either...
Highschool was like: Love Song.
Because I am certainly not going to compose one a love song, only because one inquired and is in necessity of one. I am not going to create this love song today.
My family is described by the song: I Dreamed a Dream.
Of time gone by?
How will you die? One Day More
Which basically proves my immortality.
To cheer myself up I: Crash Your Party
Because your party is just that awesome.
So...that's a little insight into my life. How was that for everyone? I enjoyed it. Also, my music choices are greatly expanded from previous times attempting this note. Which is now a blog post. Which means it's better and more evolved.
Play Me a Song,
The Pianoman
Saturday, January 21, 2012
If Walls Could Talk...
I would really want them to speak in British accents.
So, this day has been pretend productive. While I didn't do the dishes or my homework, I did move my room around for a better atmosphere and I did pick up my clothes off the floor and put them somewhere else...I just don't remember where.
Anyway, I've noticed recently that my walls have been accumulating crap that I just keep putting up on them. I don't even remember why some of it is up there, but it's there. I feel that knowing why this stuff is on my wall will give y'all better insight into my life and help me understand my life a little bit more, because I am at a total loss.
So, on one wall, I have me one of them unmotivational posters. Love that store and my house will have a demotivational room where these posters and coffee mugs will be placed throughout. Seriously, these posters are awesome.
While that is covering one wall, I've got a series of letters and lists and signs and pictures and other assortments of goodies covering the other wall in my room. These sorts of things include:
A Care Bear Drawing
Carefully colored (all in the lines too!) by one of my friends. It says "Always Share". Apparently, I don't share very well. Maybe that's because it's my stuff and that hobo didn't need change for a burger, he wanted drugs!
A Portrait of Myself
Drawn carefully in red pen by one of my artistic friends.
The Contract
From when Isold my soul to the devil formed a band with my friends (not really, but you get the idea). Article 3, my personal favorite, reads "Bitch Please."
Goodbye Letter
From my boss when I quit the nursing home I worked at. It reads:
"Cheryl (the cook), Today is Brian's last day. Please have him work in his polo today. I don't have a uniform for him. Jeff."
Thanks...really heartfelt message there.
A Stick
From one of my friends. That stick is the embodiment of our friendship and can't be broken. EVER!
PS, read her blog there --> http://storieswithemily.blogspot.com/
My Name Tag
From the nursing home I used to work at.
My Horoscope
From the birthday I used to have.
A Wisconsin Cheese Poster
From my roommate's parents (apparently, they think I really like cheese or something.)
Finally, a To Do List:
Pee of the balcony at my apartment.
Pop ball.
Go make me a sandwich, bitch.
Invade Ghana.
Piss all over the place.
Naturally, this list is still a work in progress.
But for real, this stuff all has personal momento value or something like that. I'm sort of a packrat in that way. I keep anything that I associate with a memory, probably because I have an irrational fear that I might end up in a coma and not remember anything, and these momentos are going to be the only things that help me remember.
I could delve deeper into that, but I will save that for Irrational Fear Month (February). Which is a good time to announce that I have successfully planned for my blog for the next two months (February and March). February is Irrational Fear Month and March will be Awkward Situations Month, where I will share with you all the awkward situations that I have to face in my awkward as heck life!
The Bears,
The Bulls
So, this day has been pretend productive. While I didn't do the dishes or my homework, I did move my room around for a better atmosphere and I did pick up my clothes off the floor and put them somewhere else...I just don't remember where.
Anyway, I've noticed recently that my walls have been accumulating crap that I just keep putting up on them. I don't even remember why some of it is up there, but it's there. I feel that knowing why this stuff is on my wall will give y'all better insight into my life and help me understand my life a little bit more, because I am at a total loss.
So, on one wall, I have me one of them unmotivational posters. Love that store and my house will have a demotivational room where these posters and coffee mugs will be placed throughout. Seriously, these posters are awesome.
While that is covering one wall, I've got a series of letters and lists and signs and pictures and other assortments of goodies covering the other wall in my room. These sorts of things include:
A Care Bear Drawing
Carefully colored (all in the lines too!) by one of my friends. It says "Always Share". Apparently, I don't share very well. Maybe that's because it's my stuff and that hobo didn't need change for a burger, he wanted drugs!
A Portrait of Myself
Drawn carefully in red pen by one of my artistic friends.
The Contract
From when I
Goodbye Letter
From my boss when I quit the nursing home I worked at. It reads:
"Cheryl (the cook), Today is Brian's last day. Please have him work in his polo today. I don't have a uniform for him. Jeff."
Thanks...really heartfelt message there.
A Stick
From one of my friends. That stick is the embodiment of our friendship and can't be broken. EVER!
PS, read her blog there --> http://storieswithemily.blogspot.com/
My Name Tag
From the nursing home I used to work at.
My Horoscope
From the birthday I used to have.
A Wisconsin Cheese Poster
From my roommate's parents (apparently, they think I really like cheese or something.)
Finally, a To Do List:
Pee of the balcony at my apartment.
Pop ball.
Go make me a sandwich, bitch.
Invade Ghana.
Piss all over the place.
Naturally, this list is still a work in progress.
But for real, this stuff all has personal momento value or something like that. I'm sort of a packrat in that way. I keep anything that I associate with a memory, probably because I have an irrational fear that I might end up in a coma and not remember anything, and these momentos are going to be the only things that help me remember.
I could delve deeper into that, but I will save that for Irrational Fear Month (February). Which is a good time to announce that I have successfully planned for my blog for the next two months (February and March). February is Irrational Fear Month and March will be Awkward Situations Month, where I will share with you all the awkward situations that I have to face in my awkward as heck life!
The Bears,
The Bulls
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I'd Rather Have the Cavities Thank You
Real talk time. I hate the dentist. With a passion. Loathe them more than any other adult-like appointment that I might possibly be able to have. I would rather have a colonoscopy than go to the dentist. For real.
For one thing, you have to sit in the waiting room that smells like mint toothpaste and latex gloves while listening to lite music for the workday barely audible over the noises of various drills and brushes and picks and iron presses. The anticipation is almost too much as you are filling out your paperwork that you could have sworn you just filled out last time you were there, but Linda, the lady at the receptionist desk, doesn't believe you at all.
Finally, once you are called in, you are put in those awkward chairs just to be reclined to the point where your feet are higher than your head and you can't swallow properly, so you start choking. They place your paper bib on you so they have some place to wipe the blood and tears they collect and then they start going to town. The inspiration posters of cats "hanging in there" aren't enough to support you through what you are about to endure.
First comes the pick. I hate the pick. Every single time, without fail, my gums bleed. And don't give me that, you didn't floss well enough here. No. You just punctured my gums with your mouth machete there and that's why my gums are bleeding. Do not preach to me. Most recently, I had a wonderful conversation with the lady cleaning my teeth:
Generic Dental Hygienist Name: You aren't flossing enough.
Innocent Me: Is it that obvious? *Laughter ensues*
Horrid Bitch: Yes. When you floss, you don't bleed.
Offended Me: Lady, I pay you to clean my teeth. When I want a life lesson about how to waste my time, I'll call you and we can go over this "flossing" philosophy you claim to know so much about.
Finally, we get to the actual cleaning part. You know, with toothpaste. More fun conversation ensues:
The One with the Pick: Is mint flavored OK?
Me: I'd rather have Cream of Mushroom, but whatever.
Do you think they make Cream of Mushroom flavored toothpaste? Because that would be totally awesome!
Eventually, I hear the verdict that, most likely, I have a cavity, but rather than fill it now, we'll just wait until it gets worse to fill it because it's probably going to merge with the other cavity right next to it. PS, I have horrid teeth. One would think I was British or something.
The only plus side of leaving the dentist is the clean teeth feeling and the new toothbrush. Because $1.99 is way too much to spend on a toothbrush. Morals of the story:
- Dentists are evil.
- Cream of Mushroom toothpaste would be awesome.
- Toothbrushes are much more effective when they are free.
- Flossing is a waste of time. Don't do it.
Brian
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Welp...It's About That Time
Indeed it is title. Indeed it is. Sure it's the new year (YAY!) and we are one step closer to the imminent demise of human existence as we know it (OOH!) and I'm hungry and don't feel like cooking (FIGURES!), but I haven't blogged yet this year so let's get this party started.
Now, I had a list of stuff that I wanted to blog about because I felt that preparing myself for blogging was important, but I lost that list. Not to mention that usually when I start blogging, I just let my mind wander and it ends up in some semi-coherent garbage with a bunch of punctuation marks and parentheses. I know the list was around here somewhere and I was going to look for it while the page was loading on my crappy internet, but then I had a mild panic attack because my blog didn't show up when I signed in.
Turns out, I was simply using my other email address. They are very similar (separated only by on i) and the only reason I have this confusion is because my Gmail made me make a new account because I had originally used my school email, but then it said that if I used my school email then my school would get credit for my blog or something like that and I was all HECK NO TECHNO so I had to change the email which I tried changing to my original Gmail email but Gmail was all HECK NO TECHNO and told me they couldn't do that (don't ask me why, I thought Google could do no wrong) so I had to create this new one which caused me so much confusion and inadvertently lead to this run-on sentence.
Other than that joyful confusion, not much is happening in this, the year of our destruction. Been chillaxing with friends because I like them better than my family and I paid for them so I figured I might as well use them as much as possible (like my Netflix account). Been working like a dog and will continue to work like a dog because school starts in two (COUNT IT! TWO!) days and I am taking 16 credits plus 28 hours of work during the week. So I will have two thirteen hour days, two twelve hour days and an eight hour day every week because I'm legally insane and don't feel like being social (Introversion FTW).
So....that's all...hmm...I think I'll look for that list again. I need something more exciting to talk about.
Fricken Starving!
Brian
Now, I had a list of stuff that I wanted to blog about because I felt that preparing myself for blogging was important, but I lost that list. Not to mention that usually when I start blogging, I just let my mind wander and it ends up in some semi-coherent garbage with a bunch of punctuation marks and parentheses. I know the list was around here somewhere and I was going to look for it while the page was loading on my crappy internet, but then I had a mild panic attack because my blog didn't show up when I signed in.
Turns out, I was simply using my other email address. They are very similar (separated only by on i) and the only reason I have this confusion is because my Gmail made me make a new account because I had originally used my school email, but then it said that if I used my school email then my school would get credit for my blog or something like that and I was all HECK NO TECHNO so I had to change the email which I tried changing to my original Gmail email but Gmail was all HECK NO TECHNO and told me they couldn't do that (don't ask me why, I thought Google could do no wrong) so I had to create this new one which caused me so much confusion and inadvertently lead to this run-on sentence.
Other than that joyful confusion, not much is happening in this, the year of our destruction. Been chillaxing with friends because I like them better than my family and I paid for them so I figured I might as well use them as much as possible (like my Netflix account). Been working like a dog and will continue to work like a dog because school starts in two (COUNT IT! TWO!) days and I am taking 16 credits plus 28 hours of work during the week. So I will have two thirteen hour days, two twelve hour days and an eight hour day every week because I'm legally insane and don't feel like being social (Introversion FTW).
So....that's all...hmm...I think I'll look for that list again. I need something more exciting to talk about.
Fricken Starving!
Brian
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