I'd Rather Have the Cavities Thank You

Real talk time.  I hate the dentist.  With a passion.  Loathe them more than any other adult-like appointment that I might possibly be able to have.  I would rather have a colonoscopy than go to the dentist.  For real.

For one thing, you have to sit in the waiting room that smells like mint toothpaste and latex gloves while listening to lite music for the workday barely audible over the noises of various drills and brushes and picks and iron presses.  The anticipation is almost too much as you are filling out your paperwork that you could have sworn you just filled out last time you were there, but Linda, the lady at the receptionist desk, doesn't believe you at all.

Finally, once you are called in, you are put in those awkward chairs just to be reclined to the point where your feet are higher than your head and you can't swallow properly, so you start choking.  They place your paper bib on you so they have some place to wipe the blood and tears they collect and then they start going to town.  The inspiration posters of cats "hanging in there" aren't enough to support you through what you are about to endure.

First comes the pick.  I hate the pick.  Every single time, without fail, my gums bleed.  And don't give me that, you didn't floss well enough here.  No.  You just punctured my gums with your mouth machete there and that's why my gums are bleeding.  Do not preach to me.  Most recently, I had a wonderful conversation with the lady cleaning my teeth:

Generic Dental Hygienist Name:  You aren't flossing enough.

Innocent Me:  Is it that obvious?  *Laughter ensues*

Horrid Bitch:  Yes.  When you floss, you don't bleed.

Offended Me:  Lady, I pay you to clean my teeth.  When I want a life lesson about how to waste my time, I'll call you and we can go over this "flossing" philosophy you claim to know so much about.

Finally, we get to the actual cleaning part.  You know, with toothpaste.  More fun conversation ensues:

The One with the Pick:  Is mint flavored OK?

Me:  I'd rather have Cream of Mushroom, but whatever.

Do you think they make Cream of Mushroom flavored toothpaste?  Because that would be totally awesome!

Eventually, I hear the verdict that, most likely, I have a cavity, but rather than fill it now, we'll just wait until it gets worse to fill it because it's probably going to merge with the other cavity right next to it.  PS, I have horrid teeth.  One would think I was British or something.

The only plus side of leaving the dentist is the clean teeth feeling and the new toothbrush.  Because $1.99 is way too much to spend on a toothbrush.  Morals of the story:

• Dentists are evil.
• Cream of Mushroom toothpaste would be awesome.
• Toothbrushes are much more effective when they are free.
• Flossing is a waste of time.  Don't do it.

Ever Grateful,

Brian