Irrational Fear #5: Basically Everything Else

Since irrational fear month is now coming to a close, I'm basically going to clump the rest of my irrational fears that weren't interesting enough to be their own post into this post.  How fun!

• Change
• Change sucks.  I hate it.  Who knows how it is going to work out?  I don't.  Which lead us to..
• Fear of the Unknown
• If I can't figure it out, I don't like it.  That's probably why I hate physics...and change...and space...
• Heights
• I suppose this is more of a rational fear than some of the other ones, but heights still terrify me regardless.  Although I do want to go skydiving one of these days. I might bring a spider so that I can defeat more than one fear while I'm doing this.
• Crowds
• I don't like people to begin with.  Now throw a whole bunch of them in a small room with barely space to squeeze through and my constant expectation that the zombiepocalypse will begin any minute and we've got an irrational fear.
• Cars Braking in Front of Me
• When I see cars braking, I will always give an unnecessary distance because I have a feeling that they are either going to slam on their brakes or the person behind me will slam into me.  Both are unfavorable.
• Cars Following Me
• Whenever I see a car take the same exact turns as I do for more than three turns, I am not going to be okay with that.  They are probably spies sent by some unknown government agency to kill me for something that I said...or will say.
• Electricity
• I always feel like I'm going to end up shocking myself whenever I plug something in.
• My Computer Dying
• Let's face it.  The Acer isn't a baby anymore.  She's put a few years on her now.  She's been running a bit slower and one of these days (probably before something important) she's going to conk out and I will be stuck scrambling to regain my data because God forbid I back any of my crap up!
• People
• People are scary.  Let's face it, they just are.

That's about it as of now.  Give it time...there will be more.  Now, I was tempted to put the Zombiepocalypse down as an irrational fear, but I'm sort of looking forward to it, so I guess that just doesn't work here...

Asthmatically Yours,

Brian

Irrational Fear #4: My Life is a Coma

This has been a deep down fear of mine for quite some time (since practically the beginning of the universe).  I don't know why, but whenever I'm having too much fun or having a great week or something, I begin to think that something will go wrong, which brings this fear back up.

Anyway, the fear is that my life is actually a dream that I'm having.  I am actually in a coma and have been for the past three hundred years since I've immigrated from the Black Forest of Germany.  The people and the places and all that jazz exist in real life, but I'm going to wake up soon and nobody will know who I am.  I won't have the job I have now, I won't have the friends I have now.  Yet, I still would remember everything that happened, which means I would be a Grade A creep.

But really, wouldn't that suck?  Just wake up one morning and Oh Hey!  Your entire life is actually a lie!  Sucks to be you!  Good luck making friends of the friends you used to think you have but really were just subconscious friends and they are still real friends with each other but you have to start your friendship all over so no laughing at any of the random inside jokes your soon-to-be friends tell.

I know somewhere in my brain that this probably couldn't happen, yet there is still that feeling that it might and that is what is keeping this irrational fear irrationally terrifying.  Anyway, it confuses me to think about it too much because it's sort of like messing with time travel.  Especially with the past.  I exist in the future, but I'm changing the past that will change the future that will hopefully cause me to not have to go to the past in the first place, but I'm already in the past to change the future so that I don't have to go to the past like I currently am.

Physics is dumb.

Anyway, I thought I could explain this in much more detail and a longer structure, but I'm sort of tired and feel I've done well enough explaining my fear, so that objective is accomplished.

So...yeah...what's new in my life you ask?  Well...

I've decided that I need a new challenge, so I'm doing P90X (terrible thing, I know, but don't worry, I probably won't die).  Also too, to aid with this challenge, I've decided that it would be a good time to start playing the whole Halo series, but backwards!  AH!  Now I've got some craziness into my life!  I'll try to keep it in check.

Do Widzenia,
Brian

Irrational Fear #3: Judgment

I don't have a fear of doling out judgment (I work for the judicial system for crying out loud).  I have a fear of constantly being judged for whatever I do.  I don't know why, I don't know how, but no matter what I do, I feel like someone, somewhere, is judging me.

Now I should probably see a therapist for this (and many more personality flaws) but I'm too broke and busy and short-attention-spanned to do that.  So I'm just going to write out my feelings and hope someone, somewhere, who happens to be a therapist either comments or thinks I so desperately need help that they'll just show up on my doorstep and demand to help me for free (fingers crossed).

For Example, I don't like the following things:

• Exercising in a public place, like a gym.  I feel like the "regulars" are looking at me weird because I'm probably on someone's machine even though it's not technically theirs.  Or, since I'm so physically incapable of performing any exercise properly (too lanky and too weak), they are judging my technique. You don't know me grandma!  Keep walking!
• Shopping at the store.  It's like people know, no matter what I buy, that I can't cook any of the things I buy.  I don't know if you do this, but I always check out other people's carts because I'm pretty sure that's what they are doing to me.
• Clothes shopping.  It's awkward, especially when you have to go into the dressing room (especially in a Meijer's or something where you have to call the person).  They are going to judge what I picked out and laugh about it once I'm out of sight.
• Using public restrooms.  I don't think other dudes are going to judge the way I pee...but they might.
• First day of class.  I don't know any of these people and I'm pretty sure everyone else is friend's with each other.  What the hell?
• In addition to this, when the professor says that we have to pick groups, I instantly get a sense of dread, then wait until there is an incomplete group and join them because I don't have friends.
• Doing anything that makes me remotely an adult.  Like paying rent.  Or getting my car fixed.  I know for a fact that these people judging me think I'm 12 and shouldn't be living on my own.

I basically can't win with this whole judgment thing.  So...yeah...I feel like everyone is now going to judge this post just to make me feel judged.  DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!

Side note, turns out there is no real fear of being judged.  It's just called Social Anxiety Disorder.  Which fits well with my Middle Child Syndrome and Hypochondriac nature and my Colon Polyps (diagnosed by WebMD).  Awesome.

STOP JUDGING ME!

Hugs and Kisses,
Brian [Saint]

Irrational Fear #2: Clowns

Warning:  CLOWNS ARE TERRIFYING AND FULL OF EVIL!  IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE ARE APPROACHED BY ONE, PROMPTLY SCREAM AND RUN AWAY.


I don't care who you are.  Clowns are scary as frick.  It's not their fault that they have no real skills besides scaring the crap out of small children, but do not come near me with your balloon animals made from human skin (probably) and your horns that spray chloroform (probably) in order for you to take me back to your evil clown lair in order to harvest my organs for your face paints (probably) and then use my skin for more balloon animals (probably) just so you can knock out other kids with chloroform-horns (probably) and take them back to your evil lair to begin the harvesting process all over again.

Don't get me wrong.  Not every clown is evil (maybe?), but it doesn't stop the fact that they are terrifying.  Not as terrifying as spiders, mind you, but they are still creepy.

Photo from MSNBC.com

Tell me that isn't terrifying!!!  Do you see a soul in those eyes?  No!  Because it doesn't exist!  I bet at night that "friendly" image of a clown turns into something more like this:

Photo from http://www.spokesman.com/blogs/vox/2008/oct/21/got-haunted-house/

Sure, it might look harmless enough (sarcasm abounds!).  Ten bucks he is harvesting that person's organs for face paint.  TEN BUCKS!

Based on this assumption, the graph that explains my erratic behavior when clowns are near can be safely assumed by this beautiful graph:

Clearly, if a clown gets within about five hundred feet of me, I am going to start freaking the freak out.  Any closer, and I'm going to go on a rampage.  Maybe I'll hurt the clowns.  Maybe, I'll hurt people around me when I start throwing chairs.  Who can say for sure?

I'm Not Crazy,

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Irrational Fear #1: Spiders

It's February!  It's Black History Month!  It's also (on my blog at least), Irrational Fear Month!  (Please note, I'm not afraid that it's Black History Month, I just needed a good month to put my irrational fears in, and February just happened to be the shortest month of the year, so that's why I chose that one.  Also, when I was planning my blog out, for the next few months (YES! I plan!) I wanted to do irrational fears, so here we go).

Anyway, Spiders.  Terrifying, yes.  Deadly, Yes.  Cute and cuddly, No.  Spiders are terrifying.  They eat their mates and they lay eggs and they poop out their homes!!!  What's more terrifying than that?!?

But really, on a serious note, I am terrified of spiders.  My enemies must be reading this and smirking to themselves maniacally because they think they have found out how to defeat me.  They are, in fact, my kryptonite.  However, odds are, I have already told all my enemies that I am terrified of spiders because I feel we should all be able to state our fears out loud to each other and not have them used against us.

I have no idea when I started being afraid of spiders, but the fact is, I am terrified of them (as I may or may not have previously stated).  Don't get me wrong, I can (probably) squish spiders if they are small and seemingly harmless, but there is a certain limit to me killing spiders.

As you can see, I have my limits.  I'm not completely helpless when there is a spider, so long as it is either on the floor or below knee level.  Anything else, I'm going to need some help.  To add to my fear, I don't like killing spiders either because I always feel bad once they are squished and flushed (the only true way to kill a spider, it's their silver bullet).  But there is no way in hell that I'm actually going to pick the spider up and take it outside.  So it has to die.  Or be out of sight...

After all, out of sight out of mind, right?  That's why it works when there is a spider on the counter, so I just push the toaster into the corner, dragging the spider with it.  I just won't eat toast for the next few months.

And my fear of spiders wasn't helped by the giant spider that was found at my Aunt and Uncle's cottage.  It was HUGE!  And carrying its egg sac!  And spraying it with an inch-layer of spider killing foam didn't do anything.  This spider was probably the largest spider I have ever freaking seen!  It was probably the AirBus of spiders or something.  That's how big it was.

All this talk about spiders is making me itchy now...

I Hope It's Eczema,
Brian