Facebook Etiquette Series 5: Profile Pictures

I should be studying but I'm stuck on Facebook.  Then I figured I might as well wrap this series up and start talking about more important things...like cheese sticks.

Anywhy, profile pictures on Facebook can be a curse, a blessing, or some combination of the two (a cussing...a blurse?).  First, how about some things that you shouldn't do:

• Do not do the duck face.  You know what I'm talking about.  If you are a girl in your freshman year of high school and have the duck face while chucking up deuces, do not put it as your pro pic.  Everyone will hate you (which they probably will in three years anyway you big slut).
• Do not put a picture of you wasted.  A.) Good luck getting a job and B.) Good luck getting friends
• Do not put a picture of you and your significant other going at it.  A gentle sign of affection (perhaps a hand touch) is good enough.  I don't want to watch you make out in public and I don't want to see it on my computer
• If you are a white girl, then I would suggest you look up Jenna Marbles on the YouTube and follow all her rules about what white girls shouldn't do.  You're welcome.

Now, some things that you should be able to do:

• Do put a nice photo of yourself enjoying some nature.  No problems there.
• Do put a respectable photo of you making some sort of random face.  I have no problem with it.  It might make me laugh (probably not, but hey, whatevs).
• Do put a picture of your pet, or your child, or your plant or whatever you care for (unless you care for someone else then we get all sorts of HIPAA issues).
• Do put a picture of simply landscape.  That way, people will assume you are just a barn in front of some mountains.
• Do put a picture of you and your friends (especially if you are a loser like me.  People will be surprised when you have friends in your pro pic).

I'm hoping to help people here.  If I see one more damn duck face, I'm going to punch a wall.  Which wouldn't be a good thing since the walls in my apartment are thinner than a urine filled papyrus bladder (which is really, really thin, trust me).  Your pro pic should be something that people want to see.  Make it artistic, make it creative, make it you.  Unless you are a duck faced wench, then either get plastic surgery or go with the landscape/pet theme.

Make Profile Picture,

Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 4: Status

As I said before, I will go in depth about the Facebook Status.  And here I am, going in depth about the Facebook Status.

Now, these stati (or statuses for those who like to speak English goodly) are you shot to Facebook fame.  Either you hit, or you miss with your status.  The first thing people see on your wall is your status and if it's a good one, then everyone will show their enthusiasm with your creative genius by giving you the Glorious Like.  This Like signifies that you are either A.) A comedy god/goddess B.) A sensitive soul with good taste in music or C.) A complete moron.

The status is usually an update about your life.  Maybe it says:


Brian just had a long day and is now relaxing with some hot cocoa by the fireside hearth whilst reading a book about the War of 1812.

From this, people get that you were stressed, enjoy reading historical masterpieces near the hearth and are not allergic to chocolate.  All three things are very useful.  Updating about your life is fine, but when it turns from simple updates to complaining about everything, you are going to have a problem.

Brian had the worst day ever!  I mean, I literally think this day is the worst day in the history of the world!  Jesus probably couldn't even top how sucky this day was!  If this day were a cleaning appliance, it would be a vacuum because it sucked that much.


Nobody cares about your life that much.  Trust me.  I am guilty of doing something like this, and nobody gives a flying frack.

Now, if you don't feel like describing your days, perhaps you are one of those people who puts lyrics as a status.  This is great to!  Especially if the song is popular and everyone likes it!

Juda!  Juda-a-a!  Juda!  Juda-a-a!


Sure people think you are crazy, but they can't get Lady Gaga out of their heads now, can they?  What is NOT acceptable is putting lyrics to a song only two people have heard because there are only two people who have seen the band.  The biggest offenders are those unknown emo/punk bands that people don't care about...at all.

The black lines around my eyes stain the world with their lies.

That's poetic!  What's it from?!?

Oh it's a song.  U probably never heard of them.  They r thu Tropical Lithe Didgeridoos

Nobody cares about the Didgeridoos.  They probably aren't that good anyway.  Now the one thing that tops all other lyrical stati is this one:

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?   I could really use a wish right now!

No.  No we cannot pretend they are shooting stars.  That's ridiculous and goes against all ideas of logic.  I will end you for even thinking that we could pretend that these flying contraptions are flaming balls of rock and metal and gas hurling around the solar system and immeasurable speeds.  I hate you.

If music isn't your thing, just quote a funny line from a movie! You don't even have to have seen the movie to quote it!  Ah, the joys of the internet!

Baxter!  You know I don't speak Spanish!

HA!  You my friend, are a comedy genius and have wonderful taste in movie!

What's on your mind?

Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 3: The Wall

***Just a heads up before reading this, I have found that this post brings about a much greater effect if it is read in either a Julie Andrews voice or a Morgan Freeman voice.  Just saying...***

We live in a world surrounded by four walls at nearly all times.  Some of them are white, some of them are blue, some of them are covered in pictures.  Some even have crap all over them.  I know one of my walls is covered in random mementos from my life (like my umbilical cord (just kidding (but seriously I'm not (no really, I am (so many parenthesises))))).

Now, the wall on your Facebook is just like these walls that surround you every day.  They are white and blue, they might have a wallpaper or some other fun design on them.  And they are generally covered in crap.  Also, you tend to stare at them when you are bored.

The wall is where you post your stati (I believe the proper word for status) and your friend's post their thoughts on you or something else you may have experienced mutually or some other random sort of gibberish.  I'll get to stati later, but right now, I feel there is a certain amount of decorum one must show with wall posts.

First, if you are the recipient of a wall post, the first thing you can do if you do not feel like responding immediately is liking the comment.  This shows the writer that you have interest in their comments, and that you might need some time recollecting your thoughts before responding.  This "like" also shows others who may have the same interest that what is said is worthwhile and will thus, read it.  This will create a lemming effect of liking and thus, give the writer a much needed sense of satisfaction.

Now, the question becomes, do I respond on my wall, or do I write something new on their wall?  If, for instance, you are good friends with the person and you know the conversation will carry through to the other wall without referencing much in the previous post, then it is a safe bet to write something on the other person's wall.  If, however, the person will be confused and possibly explode from said confusion because the conversation no longer makes sense, then it would be best to write on your own wall.

The wall is like the glorious water cooler in the office.  Everyone goes there to tell a good joke, get an update on your life over the past few days and then go back to work.  Therefore, it is best to keep your wall understandable and clean.  A few pictures of memes and other such frivolousness will be permitted.  But you put something about Farmville and you deserve to have your wall left barren, for all to see the shambles your life has fallen to.

In conclusion, the wall is much like your walls at home, and you don't go smearing shit all over them now, do you?

Write Something...
Brian

Facebook Etiquette Series 2: Relationships

Ah yes.  Relationships.  We all have them (most of us hate them).  However, until they are on Facebook, they aren't real.  That's right.  The term "Facebook Official" has been around forever (I want to say Jesus used it in one of his parables).  Moral of the story, if it isn't Facebook official, then your relationship is nothing more than a constant booty call.

Now, there are people who are in relationships and are happy.  And then there are those whose relationships seem doomed to fail.  Every.  Other.  Day.  You know who I'm talking about.  The people who are out of a relationship one day, and then back in the same relationship the next.  And this happens constantly.

Of course, you have the one devoted friend who always says "Hey I'm here if you need to talk" or something similar and sympathetic.  You know they don't want to talk.  Odds are, they are just being a big ol' bitch and trying to make the other person in the relationship mad enough to take them back and have some great make-up sex.

To those people, I have one thing to say:  STOP.  If you can't stay in a relationship for more than fifteen minutes on Facebook, then I don't think you two should actually see each other.  Furthermore you would be doing the world a great service by reducing the risk of pregnancy.  You know the old saying, Idiots shouldn't reproduce.  Yeah.  That would be you.

It's Complicated,
Brian