Elevators: They're Plotting Against Me

I know what you are probably thinking right about......NOW!  OH GOD!  ANOTHER WORK STORY!?!?!?!  WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?  Probably because all I do is work and all my good stories come from there.  So you are going to sit back, shut up, and enjoy the ride, or so help me I will turn this blog around right now and take you home WITHOUT GETTING ICE CREAM!.

That's what I thought.  Whoever said I couldn't be a good parent was seriously mistaken.

Anyway...I work in a twelve story building full of middle-aged ladies.  If you think, for one second, that these ladies are going to walk up twelve flights of stairs in unnecessarily high high heels, and gout and other problems (such as twelve flights of stairs) then you are just plain crazy (like most people who come to the courthouse during a full moon).

Usually, whilst I am running files and having to explain to criminals how to get my job (and then silent scoffing at them), the elevators work quite well.  They come to me when I am in a hurry and they go straight to the floor I need.  Recently, however, there has been a turn for the worse (Oregon Trail reference anyone?!?!).

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that the elevators are being straight up bitches.  Allow me to list the reasons (like you actually have a choice):

• They never show up on time.  They are like my grandma.  I just assume they are going to be fifteen to twenty minutes late, so I get work done in the mean time.
• They never go to the floor I want.  I'm the only one of the GD elevator, and they stop at EVERY SINGLE FLOOR in between one and eight.  EVERY DAMN FLOOR!
• Sometimes, when the elevators are in a particularly fun mood, they just stop on a random floor and do nothing.  They just sit there and wait and wait and wait and then go.
• Whenever I'm in a hurry, do you think I get an elevator?  Didn't think so.
• They are all owned by Otis.  Who the fuck is this Otis guy and why does he have a monopoly on all elevators?
• The doors are a death trap.  Seriously, I have seen people get checked into another wall because of these doors.
• People are stupid and decide they have to rush the elevator when it opens, usually running into me and my stacks of files on the verge of spilling.  Then they act like it was my fault all along.  OH HELL NO! You got in my way.  This is my elevator.  You can use the stairs for all I care.  Until I exit, this is my domain bitch!
• The elevators make weird noises that make me think they just won't stop one of these days.  They might not (hope I get Worker's comp...)

So.  Now that I'm all done complaining...WHO WANTS LASAGNA?!?!