I know what you're thinking. Something is different about this blog and it isn't just my haircut. No. I decided to make this blog more aesthetically pleasing (coincidentally enough, somebody in one of my classes today, whilst giving a presentation, spelled that word "Esthetically" and I nearly died). So now you get to imagine you are reading this blog in a peaceful green meadow somewhere in the American Heartland (except not in Kansas because there would probably be a tornado. Sorry Kansas)
So. That's about it. Yeah. Just felt like I had to get an additional post in before November was up, so here it is. Awesome. Perhaps that new layout will make people think that I am going green and trying to save the planet. Which is totally true (except for the fact that I drive a '98 SUV, I use too many paper products, I gave up on recycling, I just dumped 300 gallons of CFC's in the lake, I hunted to extinction the dodo bird and I am singlehandedly responsible for the ozone hole). But other than that those minor flaws, I'm extremely green.
Which reminds me of the story of how I became terrified of bees. It all started long ago when I was only a wee five years old. I was visiting my family in Wisconsin and we went to the Wisconsin Dells (which are a big deal apparently). My dad took me hiking somewhere and we were attacked by a swarm of bees and I was stung three times! Now, I don't like bees. So I generally stomp them dead when they are on the ground. Then I feel bad about it. Then I move on. The End.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
SUPER AWESOME UPDATE FROM THE PAST
So remember when I was reminiscing about Koala Yummies? Well, coolest person ever at my work ordered some from Japan or Korea or wherever they are made now and now I have some Koala Yummies. Side note, apparently they are called Koala's March and not Koala Yummies. Well. Moral (or morale) of the story, I can't read what these things say except: "Koala's March Party Pack". Apparently, the people in Asia know that Americans like to party, so they put the word "party" in ingrish.
So. I need someone to translate for me. What does: mountain, squiggly N, yen symbol, British pound symbol, sideways horseshoe, letter D with an accent next to it mean?
And why is the Koala on the front of the bag doing simple math? And the other one appears to be digging for oil while trying to be seductive. It's not working Ms. Whore Koala. She probably has cholera anyway (too soon?)
<-----Ms. Whore Koala. On the other side is an oil rig. I don't understand either
So. I need someone to translate for me. What does: mountain, squiggly N, yen symbol, British pound symbol, sideways horseshoe, letter D with an accent next to it mean?
And why is the Koala on the front of the bag doing simple math? And the other one appears to be digging for oil while trying to be seductive. It's not working Ms. Whore Koala. She probably has cholera anyway (too soon?)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My Alarm Clocks are Possessed by the Devil
The title says it all. My alarm clocks (all of them) are indeed possessed by the Devil. The only alarm clock that isn't possessed would be the one that plays church bells as an alarm. I assume it's because the holiness of the bells and the Devil is unholy or something. I don't really know.
But anyway, if you remember my rant about daylight savings time and how my alarm clock didn't change so I changed it, but then my alarm clock did change which effectively made me late for work. Yeah. I've come to the conclusion that it was the work of the Devil. Who else but the devil would celebrate Daylight Savings Time at three in the morning instead of two in the morning like the rest of the world. This makes perfect sense since I believe that hell is located somewhere in South Dakota (why else would there be no people there?!)
Recap of my alarm clock horrors: My first alarm clock was from the 1980's. I'm surprised that it actually worked. It was nice though. It woke me up for school and other stuff that I needed to be awoken for. My next alarm clock is still in working condition. It is one of those nature sounds alarm clocks. It plays the ocean, a babbling brook or wind chimes for me to sleep to. In reverse, it wakes me up to Alexander Graham Bell's Telephone, Church Bells or Cathedral Bells (which I assumed were the same thing. They're not. Cathedral bells have a better tune to them).
I grew weary of being woken up to the sounds of church and other bells, so I bought my third alarm clock. This thing was nice. It had a hookup for my iPod and I was able to set the time both forward and backward (which I thought was a technological marvel in and of itself). Unfortunately, this alarm clock soon became possessed by el diablo. He (or she) crept into my alarm clock via the electrical outlet and started to play games on me while I slept. It would reset itself halfway through the night. The alarm would change drastically without me changing it.
Needless to say, this alarm clock had to go. I should have had it exorcised, but I wasn't thinking clearly at that point. My next alarm clock, the one that screwed Daylight Savings Time for me, became possessed by the Devil. Today, after my alarm went off, it set itself back an hour for no apparent reason. I was extremely confused because I didn't know what time it was and I was having a mild panic attack. So. In the end, I dumped a bottle of water on it in order to exorcise it. It sparked and smoked, and then everything was quiet. Proof that the devil was in fact possessing my alarm clock.
Brian 1. Devil 3.
But anyway, if you remember my rant about daylight savings time and how my alarm clock didn't change so I changed it, but then my alarm clock did change which effectively made me late for work. Yeah. I've come to the conclusion that it was the work of the Devil. Who else but the devil would celebrate Daylight Savings Time at three in the morning instead of two in the morning like the rest of the world. This makes perfect sense since I believe that hell is located somewhere in South Dakota (why else would there be no people there?!)
Recap of my alarm clock horrors: My first alarm clock was from the 1980's. I'm surprised that it actually worked. It was nice though. It woke me up for school and other stuff that I needed to be awoken for. My next alarm clock is still in working condition. It is one of those nature sounds alarm clocks. It plays the ocean, a babbling brook or wind chimes for me to sleep to. In reverse, it wakes me up to Alexander Graham Bell's Telephone, Church Bells or Cathedral Bells (which I assumed were the same thing. They're not. Cathedral bells have a better tune to them).
I grew weary of being woken up to the sounds of church and other bells, so I bought my third alarm clock. This thing was nice. It had a hookup for my iPod and I was able to set the time both forward and backward (which I thought was a technological marvel in and of itself). Unfortunately, this alarm clock soon became possessed by el diablo. He (or she) crept into my alarm clock via the electrical outlet and started to play games on me while I slept. It would reset itself halfway through the night. The alarm would change drastically without me changing it.
Needless to say, this alarm clock had to go. I should have had it exorcised, but I wasn't thinking clearly at that point. My next alarm clock, the one that screwed Daylight Savings Time for me, became possessed by the Devil. Today, after my alarm went off, it set itself back an hour for no apparent reason. I was extremely confused because I didn't know what time it was and I was having a mild panic attack. So. In the end, I dumped a bottle of water on it in order to exorcise it. It sparked and smoked, and then everything was quiet. Proof that the devil was in fact possessing my alarm clock.
Brian 1. Devil 3.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Joyous Celebration that is Appendix Liberation Day
The 13th of November was a day of joyous celebration. Why, you might ask? Was it because it was the birthday of King Edward III? Was it because it marked the anniversary of the new Constitution of Greece? Perhaps. But most importantly, it was the 5 year anniversary of my appendectomy.
Now, you might be asking yourself, what's an appendectomy? Well, an appendectomy is a dectomy of the appendix, or, in non-scientific terms, they cut you open and take something out that you don't actually need because it's become infested with gangrene. Yeah. That's what happened to me.
(I was going to put a picture of the appendix here, but they all look disgusting. So I didn't. You're Welcome)
It was a stormy November eve. I had just finished a good dinner of Burger King and was settling down for a spot of Jeopardy before hitting the olde bed. However, upon the watching of Jeopardy, I was beginning to feel pain in my abdomen. Thinking that it was food poisoning, I just sat there, on the couch, in the fetal position until my mom came home at midnight.
My mom said that I should probably get some sleep. Apparently, me in the fetal position with a hand on my gut and cringing with each breath that I took didn't mean anything to her. No pain there. Anyway, so I tried to get some sleep...didn't...and was still laying on the couch when morning came.
Side note: In our living room, there is a clock that is unnecessarily loud, so I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway.
So, as my parents see me still in pain, they decide it's officially serious. So they take me to the Med Center, they say that I probably have appendicitis. I go to the ER. They say I probably have appendicitis. Nobody has given me a straight answer at this point and by now, the pain is so mind blowing that I just want them to remove all of the organs in my abdomen.
They bring me to surgery and hook me up to all sorts of gadgets and doodads. Then, they inject me with anesthesia. First of all, anesthesia is cold...like in the veins, you can feel it swimming around because it's so cold. Second, they tell me to count backwards from ten and I should be unconscious by then. I made it to zero and felt fine. I started panicking. I vaguely remember saying "Don't start the surgery until I'm dead" or something to that effect. Anyway, they gave me oxygen (or chloroform) and that knocked me right out.
I awoke an hour later in a daze. Where was I? Who was pushing me? Am I dead? Once again, no straight answers. In the end, I find out that the surgery was a success and I couldn't keep my appendix because it exploded on the table once they got it out. Worst news all day.
Flash forward to this year: my brother is in the same predicament. What do I do when I get home and see my parent's huddled over him? I laugh. That's right. He laughed at me, I laughed at him. The world moves on. Plus, my mom wanted to stay with him. HE'S ALMOST 18!!! I was 14 and she said that she was too tired to stay with me. Middle child syndrome anyone?
Anyway, now, every 13th of November is a national holiday that everyone shall partake in...OR ELSE I will find you and force you to participate.
I celebrated by enjoying time with some friends in South Bend, Indiana (nothing to do there unfortunately), but it was an enjoyable experience.
That's right. Touchdown Jesus. Notre Dame. Yeah. I was there.
Also, as a closing note, how wonderful would it be if your shoes had rockets and wheels attached to them?!?! Imagine how fast you could travel over long distances! Or even, if your shoes had rockets and your friend's shoes had wheels. THE CAPABILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!!!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Why Daylight Savings Time Makes Me Want to Punch a Koala
Well, if you are reading this right now, it should be 9:30 PM, but because we want to save energy or some other nonsense, it is only 8:30 PM. You are probably thinking "YEAH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME" right? WRONG. Wrong on so many levels.
First of all, daylight savings time doesn't make any sense in Michigan. In the High Five of America, we do not get any sunlight during the winter months. Literally, it is like a giant black storm cloud just situates itself over the Great Lakes region and smolders until it decides that it's had it's fun. Then it moves somewhere else (like Europe or something. I don't know.) Even when we pay homage to the storm cloud, it is never pleased. So this whole energy saving idea that daylight savings time is supposed to represent doesn't really matter because there isn't any daylight to save.
Second of all, this obviously isn't a good idea since not everyone does it. Just look at Arizona, Hawaii and some other places I can't remember. They don't celebrate (I think that's what you do. At 2AM, everyone cheers when their cell phones go back an hour) with the rest of us. Way to stand up to peer pressure Arizona, Hawaii and unnamed locations. Way to be different and work against this horrible thing.
Third of all, daylight savings time made me late for work. I am usually never late or miss a day of work because A.) I'm poor and can't afford to and B.) Because work is entertaining (who doesn't love feeding old people for eight hours?!?!?) I was up until two in the morning celebrating the arrival of daylight savings time. However, my alarm clock doesn't believe in daylight savings time (I guess) because it didn't change. My cell phone changed, but nothing else. So I, being of sound mind, changed my alarm clock back EXACTLY one hour. I went to bed and didn't think anything of it.
Next thing I know, I'm getting angry phone calls from my coworkers complaining that I'm not there. I look at my clock and it says it's only 5:47 AM. I look at my phone: 6:47 AM!!!!! My alarm clock apparently believes that daylight savings time begins at 3:00AM and not 2:00AM like the rest of the freaking world (except Arizona, Hawaii and the forgotten lands). WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ALARM CLOCK? You think you're so much better than the rest of us that you are able to make up your own daylight savings time?!?! Not in my house!
So, I speed to work and make it there in basically 10 minutes. Work was fine. Except we didn't have dip. And it was Sunday. We always have dip on Sunday. Damper on the day.
So...yeah...I don't really know where the whole Koala thing came about. But here's a picture of a Koala so you think its relevant:
And here is a picture of Koala Yummies because they are the best thing in the world:
I wish I had some Koala Yummies right now... :(
First of all, daylight savings time doesn't make any sense in Michigan. In the High Five of America, we do not get any sunlight during the winter months. Literally, it is like a giant black storm cloud just situates itself over the Great Lakes region and smolders until it decides that it's had it's fun. Then it moves somewhere else (like Europe or something. I don't know.) Even when we pay homage to the storm cloud, it is never pleased. So this whole energy saving idea that daylight savings time is supposed to represent doesn't really matter because there isn't any daylight to save.
Second of all, this obviously isn't a good idea since not everyone does it. Just look at Arizona, Hawaii and some other places I can't remember. They don't celebrate (I think that's what you do. At 2AM, everyone cheers when their cell phones go back an hour) with the rest of us. Way to stand up to peer pressure Arizona, Hawaii and unnamed locations. Way to be different and work against this horrible thing.
Third of all, daylight savings time made me late for work. I am usually never late or miss a day of work because A.) I'm poor and can't afford to and B.) Because work is entertaining (who doesn't love feeding old people for eight hours?!?!?) I was up until two in the morning celebrating the arrival of daylight savings time. However, my alarm clock doesn't believe in daylight savings time (I guess) because it didn't change. My cell phone changed, but nothing else. So I, being of sound mind, changed my alarm clock back EXACTLY one hour. I went to bed and didn't think anything of it.
Next thing I know, I'm getting angry phone calls from my coworkers complaining that I'm not there. I look at my clock and it says it's only 5:47 AM. I look at my phone: 6:47 AM!!!!! My alarm clock apparently believes that daylight savings time begins at 3:00AM and not 2:00AM like the rest of the freaking world (except Arizona, Hawaii and the forgotten lands). WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ALARM CLOCK? You think you're so much better than the rest of us that you are able to make up your own daylight savings time?!?! Not in my house!
So, I speed to work and make it there in basically 10 minutes. Work was fine. Except we didn't have dip. And it was Sunday. We always have dip on Sunday. Damper on the day.
So...yeah...I don't really know where the whole Koala thing came about. But here's a picture of a Koala so you think its relevant:
And here is a picture of Koala Yummies because they are the best thing in the world:
I wish I had some Koala Yummies right now... :(
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Fish: Not as Cool as a Dilophosaurus
As you may or may not have noticed, on the side of this bloggage, I have some fish. While these fish might be pretty cool, they aren't. Sure they follow your cursor once you put it in their "tank", but that's probably because they think it's food or something else that fish enjoy to rush.
While trying to muster up an idea for a new blog, I was playing with my "fish" since I'm too poor to actually buy any real pets. I kept scrolling up and down with my mouse to simulate an earthquake. The fish were completely unresponsive. It was the most pathetic thing ever. My fish would never survive in the real world.
This got me thinking on real pets that I want. I want a dog...or maybe a cat...something that I can pet but I don't have to take too much care of because they should be self-sufficient. Also too, I want a gerbil, or hamster, or guinea pig or something that is small enough to put in a hamster ball and watch it wheel itself around.
If all these fail, then I'm going Jurassic Park and bringing back a dilophosaurus. THESE THINGS ARE AWESOME!
Courtesy of http://thomas.thomlex.com/dinosaurs/dilophosaurus.php
Case and Point. How fricken awesome would it be to wake up and see this loving face staring hungrily back at you every single morning?!?!?! Better yet, how much fun would it be to take it for a walk in the neighborhood, or play with it in the dog park? The answer is is SOOO MUCH FUN YOUR HEAD WILL PROBABLY EXPLODE!!!!!!! That's how exciting these things are.
So, basically, Dilophosaurs >>>>>>>>> fish.
And google chrome's spellcheck doesn't know the word Dilophosaurus...or google. Or spellcheck.
Side note: the orange fish (I call him Red) got stuck in the corner. How is that even possible?!?!?! And I just found out that I could feed them!!!! This is a good day!!!
UPDATE: The Red fish doesn't eat. For real. You can throw all the food at him (or her), but it won't eat a thing. It just sits there and slowly reaches for the food, but gets beat by the other starving fish.
While trying to muster up an idea for a new blog, I was playing with my "fish" since I'm too poor to actually buy any real pets. I kept scrolling up and down with my mouse to simulate an earthquake. The fish were completely unresponsive. It was the most pathetic thing ever. My fish would never survive in the real world.
This got me thinking on real pets that I want. I want a dog...or maybe a cat...something that I can pet but I don't have to take too much care of because they should be self-sufficient. Also too, I want a gerbil, or hamster, or guinea pig or something that is small enough to put in a hamster ball and watch it wheel itself around.
If all these fail, then I'm going Jurassic Park and bringing back a dilophosaurus. THESE THINGS ARE AWESOME!
Courtesy of http://thomas.thomlex.com/dinosaurs/dilophosaurus.php
Case and Point. How fricken awesome would it be to wake up and see this loving face staring hungrily back at you every single morning?!?!?! Better yet, how much fun would it be to take it for a walk in the neighborhood, or play with it in the dog park? The answer is is SOOO MUCH FUN YOUR HEAD WILL PROBABLY EXPLODE!!!!!!! That's how exciting these things are.
So, basically, Dilophosaurs >>>>>>>>> fish.
And google chrome's spellcheck doesn't know the word Dilophosaurus...or google. Or spellcheck.
Side note: the orange fish (I call him Red) got stuck in the corner. How is that even possible?!?!?! And I just found out that I could feed them!!!! This is a good day!!!
UPDATE: The Red fish doesn't eat. For real. You can throw all the food at him (or her), but it won't eat a thing. It just sits there and slowly reaches for the food, but gets beat by the other starving fish.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)