I'm not an overly
religious person. I have no problem with
religion and other people's religions, but I just don't strictly follow one
creed. There might be more of that at a
later time, but this is hardly the post to go into my ideological beliefs. The purpose of this post is to say how
disgusting Church itself is.
I was a raised Roman
Catholic, so I have been going to church since forever. This year, I went with my mother on Christmas
Eve and it is there that I realized that no amount of prayer is going to stop
me from getting sick in that place.
Besides the constant coughing and clearing of the throats (and gnashing
of the teeth and beating of the chests), there are also children screaming
around like crazy, and it isn't for the Lord, that's for sure.
Like I said, I don't
have a problem with religion. But when
there are a thousand or so people crammed in pews so that you can't move at all
lest you hit someone you don't know, maybe there should be some guidelines for
health. Maybe the sick people should all
be quarantined off in their own little section where they can cough on each
other and live happily in their disease ridden place of worship.
Unfortunately, this
is not the case. Whilst I was there
spreading my cheerful Christmas attitude towards these God-Fearing individuals,
I couldn't help but notice that everyone is sick. And then I'm expected to hold hands with
them. Umm…no. Look lady, I know you're at least 90 and
probably a sweet old lady, but I see your hanky tucked in your sleeve. I ain't touching that hand grandma! BACK OFF!
I'M NOT AFRAID TO THROW DOWN WITH AN OLD LADY! I HAVE FED YOUR KIND FOR TOO LONG TO BE
AFRAID OF YOU!
And then I'm
supposed to drink from the same cup?
Pass. Look, great that the blood
of Christ is here and all, but I just saw the person before me coughing up
their lung ten minutes ago, so I'm just going to wait until we sterilize the
cup and get a fresh batch of Christ blood.
Thanks.
And then the
children. GOD THE CHILDREN! You know the Whitney Houston song "I
believe the children are our future, teach them well and blah blah blah blah
blah." Yeah. Children are not my future. I used to think, oh hey, I want to be a
teacher and instill knowledge upon a younger generation! HA!
Not anymore. Now, I would like to
give each child a good smack upside the head.
Apparently, this is now controversial and you get called a child abuser
because let's not let our douchebag children know what the real world is
like. Let's keep them in this safe
cocoon of lies where no harm comes their way and they can do whatever they
want. I have seen children like this,
and I usually will tell them how it is:
"You are a punk. Nobody cares
how much swag you have when you end up in prison as someone else's bitch. Good luck getting your law degree after you
get that face tattoo of your grade school girlfriend's name." They run around Church likes it's the circus,
then start crying because they banged
their head on the pew. Not to mention,
kids are sticky…like, all the time. And
they have snot dripping out of their noses constantly, which ends up in the
pew, which ends up on me, which ends up getting me sick.
I digress. The main point of this story is sick people
are gross and you should watch what you drink from and who you touch. I think I should be good the rest of this flu
season though. Having already gotten
sick twice (once after this fiasco), I think my body has enough antibodies
stored up to last me a nuclear winter.
Health and
Well-Being to You All,
Brian
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