How My Brother Ruined Christmas

SPOILER ALERT:  IF YOU STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA, STOP READING!!!!!!

To distract you from that spoiler alert saying that there is no Santa, and this sentence also saying that there is no Santa, here is a picture of my Grandparent's overweight dog:

AWWWWWWWWWWWWfatWWWWWWWWWW

Isn't she adorable?

Anyway, back to the main point.  My brother ruined Christmas for me.  He is why I can't have nice things.  Like our neon light that said USA, he broke it.  Douchebag.

So, here I was, playing in my basement with my brother and my cousin because that is what one does when they are 5, 7 and 9.  Someone, I forget who because this was nearly 12 years ago and I have suppressed this memory until now because of the emotional turmoil that it has caused me, decided to play hide and seek.  Now, let me paint a quick picture of my basement for you:

Oh, also too, there is a cedar closet underneath the stairs from the empty room.  And there are some doors and stuff, but I'm not too picky about drawings, as you can see.

So anyway, by deciphering this photo, you might think to yourself:

"Hmm, Hide and Seek.  In this basement?  How boring could that be?"

Truth, it was boring, but we took this game of Hide and Seek a step further and turned off all the lights, making this basement pitch black.  So we begin our games of Hide and Seek, and they are fun to our child selves.  Until my brother decides to hide in that dreaded cedar closet.  He goes in and once he is found, says that there is stuff in there.

What does he find?  Our presents.  So he shouts out that he found the presents, and I said no, he didn't and he was being stupid.  He retorted with something childish and then proceeded to tell me what the presents were.  I naturally covered my ears and shouted no.  So he stopped.  Once my ears were uncovered, he continued again.

That's when I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus.  That's also when I learned that I was getting a CD player for Christmas.  Oh CD players, how wonderful you were.  Also too, my brother is a jerk.  And a tool.

A Retelling of My Deer Accident

Basically, this is my life right now:

As you can see by this graphical representation, I should probably be doing something productive, but that's just not how I work.  Also too, this may be my last post for a couple of weeks, as finals are fast approaching. Currently, I am encompassed by three presentations, a take home exam, a take home essay and a lab report, all due within the next two weeks.  So what do I do?  I procrastinate like a champ.

As the title of this post assures, I must be telling a story.  So grab some popcorn (or various story-telling treat) and settle in youngin's.

It all started three years ago as of yesterday.  'Twas 7:30 AM and I was picking up my neighbors for school.  I always took the same way to school the whole year and I assumed today would be no different.  However, the previous nocht, it snowed like a mother and all the back roads that I took to school were so full of snow it was crazy.  My neighbor tells me not to take the normal street which ends in an abrupt hill+curve situation, but to go the next street over.

I do so and think nothing is wrong.  Keep on trucking and get the school day over and done with.  So here I am, driving past woods on my left which are blocked off by a fence.  I see a quick brown flash and hear a thump.  Cue deer on windshield rolling over my parent's mini-van.

Naturally I slam on my breaks, throw my hazard lights on and promptly make sure nobody died (except for whatever I hit because, let's face it, it was cold out).  My brother is sitting in the passenger seat, yelling that I hit a dog.  I look at him with a face of disbelief and simply say, "Really?  A dog?"

Next thing I know, I'm struggling to get a hold of my family members.  Nobody answers, of course.  My brother is sitting up in the front seat yelling that the whole front end is smashed in.  Now I'm thinking that I just totaled my parent's car.  AWESOME!

So, after a few brief phone conversations (with my mom, my dad, the other person I was supposed to pick up and the school) I wait on the side of the road.  First, I get out and survey the damage.  What do I do when I see the front end?  I curse the deer and flip it the bird.  This deer, which is now crawling across the road because its back legs are broken, seemed to want to take a nap...in the middle of the road.  Now I feel like a douchebag.

So anyway, the police get there, get my statement or whatever they do.  And I go to school.  Oh, and the front end that my brother told me was totally smashed in:  one broken headlight, a chip in the windshield a broken grill and a dent on the hood.  Thanks brother.  Thanks a bundle.

In the end, I was only twelve minutes late for school.  Best/Worst half-birthday of my life!

A Mildly Recycled Idea that Never Goes Out of Style

Okay.  While this post isn't entirely new and up-to-date, it still makes me chuckle.  Which means you will be rolling on the floor, barely able to control your bladder...

A little back story:  This all started in my high school Anatomy class.  We had a sort of free day (I can't remember if it was a free day or if we were supposed to be doing something productive but rebelled...whatever)
Anyway, my friend and I decided, hey, it's Christmas time, let's play holiday hangman!  So, the phrase that I chose was:  "They Never Let Poor Rudolph, Join in Any Reindeer Games, Like Tag."  Thinking myself witty, we promptly made up additional lyrics to the classic "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."  Then, we drew a few pictures to accompany them.  Like this one:



That is Santa, obviously saying "Hey Freak, it's FERGIE!"  Note.  Fergie is not the singer, Fergie is a fun way to say "foggy."  No Black Eyed Peas here.

This satire of a classic brought on what I like to call:  THE MANY USES OF RUDOLPH:

 <--Rudolph as a Disco Ball

<--Rudolph as a traffic light (those are cars.)

<--Rudolph as the deer I hit.

<--Rudolph as a clapper

<--Rudolph as the back of a school bus (note the messed up octagon as the stop sign.  I did not draw this one.)

<--Rudolph as a tanning bed

<--Rudolph as a standing lamp

<--The real reason the Titanic sank.

<--Rudolph as an ambulance light

<--Rudolph as an airplane wing light

<--Rudolph as a shooting star (make a wish)

So basically, as you can see, I probably should have studied more in high school.