Fruit. Many people love it. Some people like it. Some people just want to stay friends. Me, I'm on the border somewhere among the
three choices. Because of my allergy to
birch pollen, which I am now fully convinced I have (thanks to Wikipedia and
WebMD, two of the most trusted internet sources), I am limited in what fruits I
can eat.
My friends and
family think I'm insane because of my self-diagnosis, but every time that I eat
apples, pears, plums, peaches, nectarines, celery, and almonds (yeah I know the
last two aren't fruits, but so what, who cares, you want to fight about it?), my
lips swell and itch and my tongue burns.
Both symptoms of Oral Allergy Syndrome!
HA! +1 for Brian and the
Internet. -3 for Society. But really, I can't eat these foods if they
keep giving me these crazy times in the mouth region! Not gonna happen.
Usually when I bring
this point up to people, they say, "Well yeah, but you can still eat
berries." Erm. Have you seen berries. Like, really seen
berries? Allow me to show you the light:
Raspberry
Okay. Here's my first problem. What's with all the little circle-y things. Is each individual one a berry? I need to know what I'm eating, and I don't know if I'm eating one raspberry or a whole slew of raspberries in one clumped form. Are they like a school of fish or a Galapagos of zebras (I assume that's a group of zebra) that move in one giant group to make themselves look scarier to outsiders? Also too, what's up with the hair thing going on there?!?! I was not aware I had to shave my fruit in addition to washing it. Now, I've got to get out a razor and this is just going to take way too much time. NEXT!
Blueberry
Okay. This is a nice color. I'd paint my walls in my bathroom something like this, assuming my bathroom got enough light in it. But why do they have to be SO DANG SMALL! With grapes, you know you can grab those and make it to your mouth. But with these things, you've got to take a handful and shakily make your way to your oral cavity in hopes that one or two of these stays on your hands and makes it into your mouth. Odds are, they end up all over the floor. Then you step on them and everything starts to turn blue (da boo de da boo da). I think I'll just starve then have all that problem. NEXT!
Strawberry
Yeah. Where to begin with these things. First of all, I'm not too fond of the whole strawberry flavor thing. Never have been. Second of all, WHY ARE THE SEEDS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THIS THING?!?!? You know seeds are the whole reproductive step in making new strawberry babies right?!?! I don't want to be seeing your junk all over the place!!! Are there strawberry pants or something that you can put on? I mean, come on! NEXT!
Halle Berry
I see nothing wrong here. NEXT!
Moral of the story, I'm severely limited to eating mostly only melon and citrus fruits. Living in Michigan, home to apples, and blueberries, and cherries, it's difficult. What can you do? At least now the world knows of my suffering.
Crunchatize Me Captain,
Brian
